thank you, friends.

this may come as a shocker, but i'm a bit of a thinker [does it show?]. i tend to think through every possible possibility for every scenario that i may or may not ever face in real life and in within the confines of my overactive imagination. my mind is a veritable 'choose your own adventure' book taken to a grotesque other level. as a result, not only am i ape-[poop] bananas sometimes, but when i am, i'm very hard to console.

i can be a pretty stubborn, proud beeotch. i'm very hard to give advice to as i'm usually five steps ahead of anyone that tries to give it. i begin just about every response with three incredibly irritating words: i know, but...

i've shut-down many a well-meaning friend. i've left many speechless and exasperated. in my arrogance, i've rejected advice that probably could've saved me a lot of heartache. and for what? what do i have to show for it? my pride?? in the end, i lose that anyway, whether i like it or not.

i've wasted a lot of time trying to be a know-it-all when i know very VERY little. recent events and recent introspection have proved beyond any doubt that i know nothing. seriously, nothing. as much as i know myself and i consider myself to be self-aware, i'm only now beginning to get to know me. and i'm not all that smart, to be honest.

so to all my friends who have endured my ridiculousness, who have patiently [or justifiably impatiently] tolerated my rantings, who have offered wise council despite my rejection of it and who have lovingly stood by me in the midst of my craziness --- thank you, from the bottom of my big dumb heart.

daydream believer

so i dreamed that a volcano erupted and lava was flowing all over the place and i was running away from it. at one point i had to jump out of my car as my car went tumbling down a steep hill. according to the online dream dictionary i consulted:


To see a volcano in your dream, indicates that you are unable to control emotions, particularly if the volcano is erupting. The end result may be damaging and hurtful.

To see lava in your dream, signifies an expression of anger which you have kept inside for awhile.

To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

According to biblical interpretations, dreams about falling have a negative overtone and suggest that man is acting and walking according to his own way of thinking and not those of the Lord. Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love.


so to recap, apparently i'm uncontrollably pissed about someone or something, i'm not facing it, and my car needs to repent and get over its inferiority complex.

watch out, kiddos. it looks like i might claw your eyes out or something.

careful what you wish for [a year's resolution]

every passing year seems to zip by a little faster than the one before and 2007 was no exception. it has been without competition the strangest year of my life.

last year found me on my worst behavior. the vast majority of my life has been spent erring on side of caution so i suppose my momentary departures from goody-goodydom are still relatively harmless. nevertheless, for the most part my "bad" experiences have only left me with every cliche feeling sunday school said it would: guilt, dissatisfaction, needless questioning of self-worth and inconsequential attempts at reclaiming it. i've had little bits of fun along the way but the ends never really justified the idiotic means. thankfully, even my poor decisions were made fruitful in the end as they have equipped me with some much needed humility. it seems that even goody-two-shoes need to be spit-shined with grace sometimes and i know now more than ever, that any good behavior on my part can only be credited to God's goodness, not mine.

yet despite the obvious and sometimes trite silver lining, this year has had more than its fair share of hard times. although my burdens have never been outweighed by my blessings, it certainly hasn't been an easy road. i never could've expected that i would have to deal with the things i've had to deal with this year, but looking at last year's little retrospective blog and it seems that perhaps i should've:


[1.11.07] my hopes for the new year:

* to learn how to shut off my brain long enough to feel at least a little something. i grew up being a very emotionally driven girl but somehow along the years, i've trained myself to be driven almost exclusively by rational thought which has proved to be both helpful and hurtful. i feel like there's a happy medium i've yet to find...
- i'm not sure if i found the medium i was hoping for but i have CERTAINLY found my feelings. i've probably cried more and cried harder in the last few months than i have in a very, very long time [not to say that tears are the end all be all of emotion]. i have felt more deeply than i ever have towards circumstances both positive and tragically negative and through it all, i've come to the conclusion that it wasn't a medium i needed after all. i can be wholly rational and still wholly in touch with the groaning of my own heart. the command is not to love with one-fourth heart, one-fourth soul, one-fourth strength and one-fourth mind -- but with all of each, all of the time.

* to be truly appreciated. i'm not really lacking in self-confidence [by the grace of God] so i figured out that it's not really validation i seek from the opposite sex so much as appreciation. i just want someone else to acknowledge what i already know about myself. and if that someone could also cook a gourmet meal and keep it gangsta, that would be pretty cool too. :)
- ummm... i'm gonna go ahead and leave this as an almost check. [cryptic, eh?] ;)

* to do something real with my life. i have all these goals and all these ambitions and all this talent and yet for the past 23 years, i haven't done much more than just talk about my goals, my ambitions and my talent. and where has that talk got me? not very far. i should probably DO something about that.
- i'm still mostly talk, but i'm hoping 2008 will for real [i mean, for REAL for real] be the year that i start DOING. feel free to hold me to that and nag me all the day long. i'll probably need it.


i don't really have any resolutions in the way of resolves for the new year. my only resolutions are the conclusions i've come to in 2007. the greatest and most significant of these has been my conclusion that i am who i am and there is no use apologizing for that. i can't regret my past decisions [good or bad], i can't deny who i am in my heart of hearts, and i can't avoid who it is i am purposed to be. actually, i'm capable of avoiding that last one but it's time that i simply refuse. life is fragile and sometimes unfairly short. i have got to make the most of every moment that i have and the only way that i can do that is by being wholly myself and wholly resigned to the amazing grace of God.

happy new year, kiddos.


p.s. if you haven't heard, i'm blonde now or something. woop woop!

T M I

does anyone else wrestle this much with the composition of a single, inconsequential blog that for all intents and purposes less than a handful of people may ever choose to lay eyes upon? i'm gonna guesssssss probably not.


the question i constantly wrestle with in the process of assembling these literary gems [ha] is how much of myself should i share? i know that if not for the limitations set by social norms, there is very little i wouldn't share. in fact, i came to this monumental conclusion about myself the other day when i was journaling: i have no desire to keep any secrets about myself. that truth is evidenced by the fact that i just posted information from my private journal on to my online blog. go figure.


i understand that this particular aspect of my personality may be every bit as unique as it feels. people go at great lengths to hide the things about themselves that they don't like, from circumstances in their past to personality quirks and insecurities. i've found that a lot of what i do [including but not limited to this blog] is motivated by my desire to expose each and every quirk and insecurity - good, bad, and butt-ugly even if it means owning up to a sometimes shameful past. the secrets i do keep about myself are kept out of the social necessity i eluded to earlier. i mean i guess it might be weird to put all my business up on the internet or something. whatevs.


the real butt-kicker is that those limitations end up hurting my case in the end and make any disclosure counter-productive. i would like nothing more than to provide detailed explanations for everything i do but i know that even then, the flawed human experience we all endure makes faith in the purity of anyone's intentions practically impossible. coupled with the reality that i am in fact a little bit nutzo [as we all are] and the end result is a bigger mess than any of my efforts could ever hope to undo. add to all that my inexplicable need to employ all kinds of big smartypants words that serve no purpose other than to color everything i write with an heir of pseudo-pretentiousness and boyyyyy oh boy do we have a humdinger on our hands.


the major fuel behind all of this is my fear of being misunderstood. in a perfect world, i would be able to fully articulate my heart's intentions and no one would misinterpret anything i say or do ever again. then i'd fly off into the sunset on my purple sparkley unicorn, we'd slide down a happy rainbow made of jujubees and me and my husband jason schwartzman would live happily ever after, amen.


...


yeah.

either / or - one and the same

i don't know if anyone else perceives their own life this way, but i find that my life unfolds in themes. in my mind, i see a picture of a timeline running across the bottom of a textbook biography of myself. all the key events are marked out, there are those thumbnail-sized pictures of significant figures and places and little upside-down triangles in primary colors marking the beginnings of new seasons. i've written little bits about it in previous blogs but this season of my life has been dedicated to finding balance, particularly the balance between my heart and mind.

i’m not sure if it was immaturity or ignorance that lead to my assumption that frivolity and seriousness were mutually exclusive. i know that in the past, i’ve felt an internal pressure to be fully one or the other as if i couldn’t be authentically one if the other was present. i spent most of my childhood running around with hurt feelings and most of the past few years discrediting my feelings almost altogether. as of late, a lot of my thoughts and musings have been dedicated to the reconciliation of this perceived disparity and recent events have raised the stakes significantly.

this week i ventured back out into my social life after spending a week exclusively with my family. i'm finding that returning to "real life" is every bit as tricky as i anticipated. the thing about mourning is it makes everything - EVERYTHING feel inappropriate. laughing feels insensitive, fun feels out of order, crying seems excessive, isolation feels dramatic, company feels contrived... every thought and feeling is shaded with a little bit of doubt. for an analytical mind like mine that thrives on assurance of reason, this utter lack of reason is like torture.

and yet, being the God-fearing person that i am, i acknowledge God's grace in it all. as much as nothing is right, the converse is also true - nothing is really wrong. fun is okay, friends are amazing, and yes, family is still of the utmost importance. i don't need to shy away from things or people that enrich the quality of life just because my life has taken this drastic change. and make no mistake, i have no intentions of running away from the reality of this change. my family and Mike's many friends suffered an incredible loss in his passing and it would be a disservice to his memory to feign otherwise. but as corny as it sounds, i take great comfort in knowing that Mike would love to see me and my family enjoying life, he would be laughing at the stupid jokes i tell and i can honestly hear that distinct laugh of his even now.

there's a part of me that feels like i've rushed into this return to "real life" and another part that knows there's no point in delaying the inevitable. i'm in no hurry to heal because i know full well that this particular wound may never fully heal - but that's okay too. i don't plan on living my life depressed nor do i plan on living in a blissful state of willful ignorance. i'm hoping to find a balance between the two and the truth in them both.

'Tis better to have loved and lost

this week has been -- without question -- the most difficult of my entire life.

on Sunday December 2nd, 2007, my cousin Mike Hong was in a car accident that took his life. since then, it's been a whirlwind of confusion, pain, heartache and indescribable grief. i've been spending every moment that i can with my family, scrambling to find a way to deal with this incredible loss and finding that there is no right way. there is simply no right way to deal with a circumstance that is so incredibly wrong. Mike was only 28 years old and had all the potential in the world. but even in that short time, it's clear that he has left a legacy.

growing up, my cousins and i were all more like brothers and sisters. every holiday and family gathering was something to look forward to because it meant time with Mike, James and Nancy [if we were really lucky, our cousins from new orleans Timmy and Brian would be there too]. my brother Chris is around the same age as Mike and James and Nancy is just a couple months younger than me so all of us were always super close. the best moments of my childhood definitely involved time spent with my cousins.

as we got older, it became more difficult to maintain childhood bonds. i know that my moving across the country made it especially hard but without fail, every time i came home for a visit, Mike would make time for me. we'd go to our favorite korean restaurant and catch up on what was going on in our lives and more importantly, what was going on in our family. Mike cared deeply about the bonds we all made in childhood and was always making efforts to make sure those stayed as strong as possible. his love for his cousins, his parents and especially his little brother and sister was immeasurable. whether we deserved it or not, he always had faith in us and always hoped for our very best. he was everyone's biggest fan. there really is no way to overstate it: he loved us.

hearing that he was gone was nothing short of surreal. i didn't believe it when James told me and as i drove to the hospital, i was sure i would get there and it would all be some kind of mistake. the hardest part of this mourning process has been trying to imagine life without him. as stupid as it sounds, there was even a moment as all the cousins were gathered eating dinner when i almost asked aloud, "where's Mike?" and though it broke my heart to have to meet with family under such tragic circumstances, in a way i know it was what Mike wanted all along: for his family to just be together - to enjoy each other's company and to love each other the way that he loved us.

i've been overwhelmed by the support of my friends in the past week. my aunt and uncle have been surrounded by loved ones and my cousins have all truly come together to support one another. we've all been showered with sympathy but i think James said it best at Mike's service: the real people to feel sorry for are the people who never knew Mike. we were the lucky ones that got to spend 28 amazing years knowing him, loving him and being loved by him. there were definitely moments this week, especially those spent with Mike's girlfriend Arielle, when i questioned the truth of that old adage 'Tis better to have loved and lost. i've always heard it in the context of romance as some kind of consolation to the brokenhearted. but when i looked into its origins it turns out that it was written by a man who lost his best friend at a tragically young age. it was written by someone who could probably relate to all of us who loved and lost Mike. in that light, i see how true it really is:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.


i love you, Mike and it has been a privilege to be loved by you.

That's why it's called a crush. If it didn't hurt, it would be called something else.*

so it turns out they’re not butterflies at all but rather dull razor blades set on motorized hinges. harmless enough when small in number, the soft swiping of metal swooshing against stomach lining is deceptively soothing at times. but in time the damn things multiply [who knew machines could multiply?] and now Wings[c]** sharpen Wings[c] and it becomes clear that these Wings[c] were fashioned for friction not flying. their cruel purpose is fully realized in their mass production and the subsequent spilling of my guts.






*: the title is a quote from 'sixteen candles', the sound advice of samantha[molly ringwald]'s father.
**: those are supposed to be lil copyright symbols but i don't know how to type them without the assistance of microsoft word.

discretion*

i'm going to try to keep from saying more
i’m sorry secrets aren’t my forte
i haven’t got the power to ignore
the things my heart keeps wanting me to say

i’m sorry secrets aren’t my forte
i’ve other strengths designed to compensate
the things my heart keeps wanting me to say
fueling constant heart and mind debate

i’ve other strengths designed to compensate
my inability to shut my mouth
fueling constant heart and mind debate
somehow shutting both and neither out

my inability to shut my mouth
my aptitude for saying what i mean
somehow shutting both and neither out
losing purpose somewhere inbetween

my aptitude for saying what i mean
i haven’t got the power to ignore
losing purpose somewhere inbetween
i’m going to try to keep from saying more



*: for the poetry novices [don't worry, i was one about three weeks ago too] this form is what you call a pantoum. i hope you enjoyed it.

thankfulness is sooo cliche

thanksgiving is the day that most bloggers, myspace bulletiners, and text messagers all across the land devote their technological musings to the issue of thankfulness. you can almost hear the collective tap-tap-tapings of keyboards and cell phone buttons as they all take a moment to thank all the peeps up in their friend lists, their homies around the way and the b**tches and h**s in errry area code, ya hearrrd? word.

now this is all well and good as i'm sure many of those partaking in this unofficial tradition are in need of motivation to express their gratefulness. but does a one-time holiday-induced expression of thankfulness really constitute ACTUAL gratefulness? especially when some of the authors are the same kids who use these technological mediums to bitch and moan about the pettiest drama? [believe me, i include myself among these perpetrators as i have been guilty of my fair share of stuuuupid bulletining]

i know it's trite to say so plainly, but we are all so very blessed. we have food to eat, roofs over our heads, amazing friends and family, not to mention computers and cell phones through which to wax poetic about all of it. i've been attempting, sometimes unsuccessfully, to exercise true gratefulness and its application to my life. it's easy to get caught up in the minor ups and downs and lose sight of the bigger picture. it's easy to get mad, sad or pissed about trivial details that only serve to put the focus on the last place it should be: me.

today and every day the prayer of my heart is that i learn how to truly love. not love that is as fleeting the blink of a cursor but love that is enduringly patient, selflessly kind, secure enough to overcome jealousy, purely motivated in a way that doesn't necessitate boasting and not flippantly modest but truly humble. and as difficult as it is to practice, i want to love in way that doesn't keep record of wrongs - even when there are legitimate wrongs to keep record of - but rather keeps record of ennumerable blessings.

even despite my many shortcomings, i hope that i have been able to show you true love in this way. i know that i am continually blown away by how much i am loved by you as it is just further proof of God's incredible love for all of us.

i love you. no for real, i love you. and i am so very thankful for you.

way with word

school has proved to be far more enriching this go-round. i'm no longer pushed by grades and their imaginary importance. instead i'm actually motivated by the opportunity to learn new things [going to school to learn? a novel concept, i know]. in this new found freedom i'm finding that despite the wide spectrum of concepts my classes seem to cover, there's lots of overlap between them and in fact, in my life [school applying to life? a novel concept, i know].

of all the poem's i've written for my poetry class, this one has resonated with me the most so far. probably because the inspiration was drawn from both school and life which i guess in some ways, are proving to be one and the same.

so lady and gentleman, i present:



way with word

you may not believing
but i have way with word
maybe i not having way with your word
but i have a way with my words
because with my words
i can bob and weave
i can sew tapestries
that tell stories
of my warrior past
no i may not having
way with your word
but my words come easy
with my words
i can articulate every thought
every feeling
i can crack my own jokes
i maybe no understanding word you say
but i can translate your tone
and though i know i speak like baby
baby don’t think me weak
just because i don’t know how to saying
what it is i mean
i may never raise my voice
in your word or my words
because i know first hand
speaking louder is not speaking clearer
i say SPEAKING LOUDER IS NOT SPEAKING CLEAER
so though i can not showing with word
though your word on my tongue
is i sorry sound dumb
all the words
are on the tip of my brain
and believe me
i having way with word
i say believe me
i have a way with words