- why i'm so mad at Miley Cyrus
- the most amazing/heartwrenching Oscar speech ever
- one of the most amazing/heartwrenching films ever
- things that i've been wrong about for most of my life
- my weird and irrational yet nonetheless overwhelming sense of constant failure
- why i love school so much
- why i love my church so much
- that one time my heart got bruised real bad and why i'm having so much trouble getting over it
- the relationship between singleness and assimilation, particularly as it relates to the burden of change
Monday, February 23, 2009
things i'd really like to blog about at length but don't have time for right now
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
obigatory new year's post
i started to write a longer, warmer, squishier blog about the specifics of 2008 but it was starting to get too long [even for me -- shocking, i know]. besides, i'm still trying to find the perfect balance between healthy vulnerability and TMI when it comes to the blogosphere. i find that when it comes to my blogging, i either share too much, apologize for sharing too much, or share next to nothing. despite the fact that i've been blogging since the beginning of time [give or take], i still haven't gotten over the weirdness of the medium. i'm constantly aware of the fact that the words i'm writing are available for the whole world to read, even though only a handful of the world's population actually has the patience to get through my verbose rantings.
so in the spirit of bloggers everywhere, i submit for my faithful handful the following: jHong's random and arbitrary list of best, worst and most [insert adjective here] of 200GR8!
favorite musical discovery of 2008: jamie lidell. i discovered him at this year's sasquatch festival and ended up at his show at the insistence of a friend. by that point in the day, i had every intention of sitting down and resting my weary feet but once he got going i couldn't help but get up and shake a tailfeather! it's infectious, catchy, soulful... and his live show is incredible! i've been listening to both of his albums non-stop. i highly recommend you purchase one or both of them immediately. other notable recommendations: jonezeta - "cruel to be young", wild sweet orange - "we have cause to be uneasy", jay-z - "american gangster", kings of leon - "only by the night"
most embarassing moment of 2008: my unceremonious ringing in of 2008. truth be told, i got accidentally ham-tossed last NYE and thus only remember bits and pieces of that particular evening [apparently during the bits and pieces i don't remember i was kind of a drunken biznatch to my homies so perhaps it's for the best]. other than those first regrettable hours of 2008, i haven't had more than 2 or 3 adult bevs per sitting and haven't gotten more than a light buzz since; probably a sort of Pavlovain reaction although it might also have something to do with the fact that i kinda sorta work for a church.
strongest vice of 2008: cell-phone solitaire. i attempted to kick my addiction during my post-Lent celebration this year but to no avail. according to my game statistics, i've played a total of 5,142 games and clocked in over 14 DAYS worth of solitaire playing. kiiiinda ridiculous.
thing i'll miss most about 2008: having an excuse to write the number "8". i don't know if any of you have a favorite number to write or have ever even devoted any thought at all to a favorite digit but for whatever reason, i have. most people write their 8's by making a little figure-8 [hence the name, i suppose] but i like to make my 8's by drawing a little circle and then drawing another equal sized circle underneath. i don't know what it is about making those two mini circles that's so satisfying for me but i'm kind of sad that i won't get to write one every time i date something and i'll only get to write one on the 8th, 18th and 28th days of the month and of course, the whole month of august. i mean i guess i could write an "8" whenever i want but i won't have the built-in excuse. [side note -- i just spent the last moments of 2008 blogging about how much i enjoy writing the number "8". how does that make YOU feel? :D]
favorite blog entry i've written in 2008: why valentine's day doesn't have to suck. i know it's self-indulgent to write about a favorite blog of my own but i am in fact that shamelessly self-indulgent, i'm afraid. this blog entry in particular i meant to write in some form or another long before i got around to doing it so it was a bit cathartic to finally get it done. i also enjoyed the opportunity to exercise my paint skizills. close second: true story. i'm only mildly ashamed to say that i made myself LOL when writing this one.
favorite blog discovery of 2008: the satorialist. something about this man's ability to spot simple but incredible feats of street fashion around the world is so inspiring. my fashion taste is a bit more expensive than my budget allows at the moment but i try to make do with what i've got. but even if i never acquire the riches to buy all the designer clothes of my dreams, i hope to one day be satorialist worthy.
favorite class of 2008: my poetry class. sure, i might be a little bit biased considering my raging crush on my poetry teacher but even still, i have found the challenge to improve my writing incredibly rewarding. the poets that we read in class were also incredible and i've gained a new appreciation for modern poetry. close second: intro to cultural studies. again, i loved the reading and i appreciated the challenge of thinking critically about popular culture. i was also introduced to the genius of Foucault and one of my favorite reads of 2008, delillo's 'white noise'.
favorite meal of 2008: prix-fixe monday at tilth. for my birthday, my brother took me out to this amazing wallingford eatery and i was absolutely blown away, course after course. from the amuse-bouche [a term i only know because of top chef] to the dessert course, it was UNBELIEVABLY delicious. if the great food and wine pairings weren't fantastic enough, in true sustainable seattle fashion, every monday tilth features a different local producer. so not only is tilth awesome, it's awesomely green. :)
most overused adjective in retrospective blog of 2008: incredible.
i think that's all i got for the moment. it's well past midnight now and this blog's publication has already been delayed by a couple distractions including but not limited to a call from my bff and spanglish, which my mom and i are currently watching [quite a departure from last year's celebration, no? :D].
HAPPY NEW YEAR! here's to 2009!!!
p.s. -- remember that one time i said that my first attempt at new year's blogging was starting to be too long and then i subsequently wrote one that was just as if not longer? yeahhhh... i'm awesome.
so in the spirit of bloggers everywhere, i submit for my faithful handful the following: jHong's random and arbitrary list of best, worst and most [insert adjective here] of 200GR8!
favorite musical discovery of 2008: jamie lidell. i discovered him at this year's sasquatch festival and ended up at his show at the insistence of a friend. by that point in the day, i had every intention of sitting down and resting my weary feet but once he got going i couldn't help but get up and shake a tailfeather! it's infectious, catchy, soulful... and his live show is incredible! i've been listening to both of his albums non-stop. i highly recommend you purchase one or both of them immediately. other notable recommendations: jonezeta - "cruel to be young", wild sweet orange - "we have cause to be uneasy", jay-z - "american gangster", kings of leon - "only by the night"
most embarassing moment of 2008: my unceremonious ringing in of 2008. truth be told, i got accidentally ham-tossed last NYE and thus only remember bits and pieces of that particular evening [apparently during the bits and pieces i don't remember i was kind of a drunken biznatch to my homies so perhaps it's for the best]. other than those first regrettable hours of 2008, i haven't had more than 2 or 3 adult bevs per sitting and haven't gotten more than a light buzz since; probably a sort of Pavlovain reaction although it might also have something to do with the fact that i kinda sorta work for a church.
strongest vice of 2008: cell-phone solitaire. i attempted to kick my addiction during my post-Lent celebration this year but to no avail. according to my game statistics, i've played a total of 5,142 games and clocked in over 14 DAYS worth of solitaire playing. kiiiinda ridiculous.
thing i'll miss most about 2008: having an excuse to write the number "8". i don't know if any of you have a favorite number to write or have ever even devoted any thought at all to a favorite digit but for whatever reason, i have. most people write their 8's by making a little figure-8 [hence the name, i suppose] but i like to make my 8's by drawing a little circle and then drawing another equal sized circle underneath. i don't know what it is about making those two mini circles that's so satisfying for me but i'm kind of sad that i won't get to write one every time i date something and i'll only get to write one on the 8th, 18th and 28th days of the month and of course, the whole month of august. i mean i guess i could write an "8" whenever i want but i won't have the built-in excuse. [side note -- i just spent the last moments of 2008 blogging about how much i enjoy writing the number "8". how does that make YOU feel? :D]
favorite blog entry i've written in 2008: why valentine's day doesn't have to suck. i know it's self-indulgent to write about a favorite blog of my own but i am in fact that shamelessly self-indulgent, i'm afraid. this blog entry in particular i meant to write in some form or another long before i got around to doing it so it was a bit cathartic to finally get it done. i also enjoyed the opportunity to exercise my paint skizills. close second: true story. i'm only mildly ashamed to say that i made myself LOL when writing this one.
favorite blog discovery of 2008: the satorialist. something about this man's ability to spot simple but incredible feats of street fashion around the world is so inspiring. my fashion taste is a bit more expensive than my budget allows at the moment but i try to make do with what i've got. but even if i never acquire the riches to buy all the designer clothes of my dreams, i hope to one day be satorialist worthy.
favorite class of 2008: my poetry class. sure, i might be a little bit biased considering my raging crush on my poetry teacher but even still, i have found the challenge to improve my writing incredibly rewarding. the poets that we read in class were also incredible and i've gained a new appreciation for modern poetry. close second: intro to cultural studies. again, i loved the reading and i appreciated the challenge of thinking critically about popular culture. i was also introduced to the genius of Foucault and one of my favorite reads of 2008, delillo's 'white noise'.
favorite meal of 2008: prix-fixe monday at tilth. for my birthday, my brother took me out to this amazing wallingford eatery and i was absolutely blown away, course after course. from the amuse-bouche [a term i only know because of top chef] to the dessert course, it was UNBELIEVABLY delicious. if the great food and wine pairings weren't fantastic enough, in true sustainable seattle fashion, every monday tilth features a different local producer. so not only is tilth awesome, it's awesomely green. :)
most overused adjective in retrospective blog of 2008: incredible.
i think that's all i got for the moment. it's well past midnight now and this blog's publication has already been delayed by a couple distractions including but not limited to a call from my bff and spanglish, which my mom and i are currently watching [quite a departure from last year's celebration, no? :D].
HAPPY NEW YEAR! here's to 2009!!!
p.s. -- remember that one time i said that my first attempt at new year's blogging was starting to be too long and then i subsequently wrote one that was just as if not longer? yeahhhh... i'm awesome.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i hate to say you told me so
so i was wrong about me. actually, i was wrong about you. i said in my last post that your words wouldn't make a difference, but strangely they did. and not to diminish the power of your words but at the risk of i'm tooting my own horn, i'm gonna go ahead and say that my own words might have made even more of a difference [toot toot!].
you would think that talking and writing about my hopelessness would make me feel more hopeless but strangely it has had the opposite effect somehow. now i'm not recommending that one should commiserate at length as some sort of psychological self-medication. usually pity-partying leads to more self-pity so i'm honestly really baffled as to how this could've even happened. my only hypothesis is that this mysterious sense of hope might be the result of a really poorly delivered joke.
i'm sure you're thinking that i couldn't POSSIBLY have been the one to deliver said bad joke but believe it or not, sometimes i'm not hilarious. i know! i know! sounds crazy! [i'm sorry about the butt injuries for those of you who just fell out of your chair] but a several times in the past few weeks i've been trying an old joke and not getting any laughs. the first time i told it, i was talking to some friends that had been inadvertently hush-hush about their relatively new status as a couple. the girl turned to me and asked, "if you were dating someone, would you just randomly announce it?" and i said, "um, of COURSE! if i were dating someone, i'd tell everyone i knew: REPENT! REPENT! THE COMING OF THE LORD IS NIGH!" and then... crickets.
now i thought this was some of my better material. so much so that i attempted to tell the joke again a couple more times but again my brilliant punchline was met with a couple uncomfortable giggles but mostly, just crickets. i thought about trying to salvage the dead silence by quoting Revelations 37:85 which i believe says something about white horseman, plagues of locusts, and Jessica tricking a boy into dating her [that's just my paraphrased version; don't quote me on that one] but then i remembered that verse in Proverbials about not kicking thine deceased horses, Amen.
i'm guessing my audience didn't find my joke funny mostly because the subtext is so sad. i acknowledge that it's quite a passive-aggressive way to whine about my singleness and i acknowledge that whining about one's singleness is generally pretty gross [especially in a blog, so my apologies kind readers]. i would expect anyone to be annoyed by such thinly veiled self-pity but i found that the victims of my bad joke -- and you kind readers of my blog -- instead seemed to be kinda sad. and not just sorry-for-me sad, but more like sad with me that i would feel so hopeless. i guess i'm proof that misery really does love company? granted, i could just be lacking in skills of perception and there could be non-commenters out there too annoyed with my self-pity to even comment but i'm gonna intentionally choose to read the silver lining embedded in the binary code; i'm trying not to sabotage this miraculous sense of hope i have. and though my hopelessness was almost exclusively wrapped up in my hang-ups about my singlaciousnesiocity, this hope isn't exactly hope that i'll magically become un-single anytime soon. i guess i'm just re-remembering where my hope should be coming from in the first place. i'll probably need to re-remember this a whole lot more in the future but for your sake and mine, i'll try not to blog about it so much and i'll try to refrain from passive-agressively joking about it. or at the very least, i'll make sure my passive-agressive jokes are effing hilarious.
you would think that talking and writing about my hopelessness would make me feel more hopeless but strangely it has had the opposite effect somehow. now i'm not recommending that one should commiserate at length as some sort of psychological self-medication. usually pity-partying leads to more self-pity so i'm honestly really baffled as to how this could've even happened. my only hypothesis is that this mysterious sense of hope might be the result of a really poorly delivered joke.
i'm sure you're thinking that i couldn't POSSIBLY have been the one to deliver said bad joke but believe it or not, sometimes i'm not hilarious. i know! i know! sounds crazy! [i'm sorry about the butt injuries for those of you who just fell out of your chair] but a several times in the past few weeks i've been trying an old joke and not getting any laughs. the first time i told it, i was talking to some friends that had been inadvertently hush-hush about their relatively new status as a couple. the girl turned to me and asked, "if you were dating someone, would you just randomly announce it?" and i said, "um, of COURSE! if i were dating someone, i'd tell everyone i knew: REPENT! REPENT! THE COMING OF THE LORD IS NIGH!" and then... crickets.
now i thought this was some of my better material. so much so that i attempted to tell the joke again a couple more times but again my brilliant punchline was met with a couple uncomfortable giggles but mostly, just crickets. i thought about trying to salvage the dead silence by quoting Revelations 37:85 which i believe says something about white horseman, plagues of locusts, and Jessica tricking a boy into dating her [that's just my paraphrased version; don't quote me on that one] but then i remembered that verse in Proverbials about not kicking thine deceased horses, Amen.
i'm guessing my audience didn't find my joke funny mostly because the subtext is so sad. i acknowledge that it's quite a passive-aggressive way to whine about my singleness and i acknowledge that whining about one's singleness is generally pretty gross [especially in a blog, so my apologies kind readers]. i would expect anyone to be annoyed by such thinly veiled self-pity but i found that the victims of my bad joke -- and you kind readers of my blog -- instead seemed to be kinda sad. and not just sorry-for-me sad, but more like sad with me that i would feel so hopeless. i guess i'm proof that misery really does love company? granted, i could just be lacking in skills of perception and there could be non-commenters out there too annoyed with my self-pity to even comment but i'm gonna intentionally choose to read the silver lining embedded in the binary code; i'm trying not to sabotage this miraculous sense of hope i have. and though my hopelessness was almost exclusively wrapped up in my hang-ups about my singlaciousnesiocity, this hope isn't exactly hope that i'll magically become un-single anytime soon. i guess i'm just re-remembering where my hope should be coming from in the first place. i'll probably need to re-remember this a whole lot more in the future but for your sake and mine, i'll try not to blog about it so much and i'll try to refrain from passive-agressively joking about it. or at the very least, i'll make sure my passive-agressive jokes are effing hilarious.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
she ain't got no alibi
as many of you have noticed in the last few weeks, i'm a little bit kind of almost famous [question mark].
the gentleman on the left is my friend and bandmate and he just so happens to work for the newly infamous FAILblog. he thusly wrangled some other friends and i to participate in a relatively impromtu photoshoot for the blog's new merch.
when i first saw the picture, my initial reaction was to make a submission to FAILblog's sister site totallylookslike.com of me and my doppleganger, jabba the hutt. but i told myself i needed to quit being ridiculous because i'm my own worst critic, right? hmm. turns out i'm not.
i'm not sure what the traffic numbers on the site are exactly but it's getting to be pretty popular with the kids. i didn't really take that into consideration at the time nor did i take into consideration the fact that all of the aforementioned kids have the ability to make comments and say whatever they want about me for the world wide web to see. i hadn't even thought about it until a friend said something about the comments that had been made and against all my better judgment, i decided to check out what my critics had to say. although i was flattered by the dude who wanted to propose marriage and the douches who proposed lewd acts, i was more shocked by my detractors and believe me, there were LOTS of them. some questioned my gender, others compared my head to a potato, and others called me straight up U-G-L-Y.
i thought about shooting something back about their small weiners and/or how big boned their mama was but i knew that i was a few weeks too late and that even if i had responded promptly, it would be pointless. even the perfect retort wouldn't add anything to my life and it wouldn't subtract anything from theirs, whoever "they" are. this is probably the point at which either you or me is supposed to point out how bored, insecure, and hateful "they" are and how i shouldn't give a second thought to anything "they" have to say but the unfortunate thing is, i already have.
in fact, i've given a second third and fourth thought to their words and the effects have been shockingly devastating. i have a pretty resilient self-image that has stood up to a whole lot over the years. strangers and loved ones alike have said some pretty awful things about me, sometimes with the intention to hurt and other times with no intention at all. i'm a rational girl who has a pretty good handle on my emotions, almost too good at times so for the most part, even the harshest words have rolled off me with minimal consequence. but for all of my strength and rationality, this past week has still been marred by the impact of the words of some fools i don't even know.
i know that the nebulous "they" know nothing about me and that their words aren't truth. i am not a she-man, i'm not a potato head, and i am not ugly. nevertheless, it is concrete evidence of a lie. even the picture itself and the awkward angle captured therein is concrete evidence of a lie. my chronic singleness is, again, concrete evidence of a lie. i know i'm supposed to cling to the hope and truth, albeit a hope and truth that i can not see, but it's a lot easier said than done sometimes. so much so that the words of some cyberdouches has jacked up my week and not even the words of a friend who knows me better than any of these efftards ever could was able undo the damage. i talked to my best friend about it and she told me what i would tell anyone in my position: "who the [bleep] are they? what does it matter? you can't let this stuff effect you." and she's right, i shouldn't let it effect me but i'm not entirely regretful that it has because at the very least it's made me aware of my frailty. i do a lot of posturing, some sincere and some just frontin' but in the end, i'm not as strong as i think i am.
i'm tempted to put my signature little life-lesson at the end of this blog as i tend to do in my subconscious homage to my sitcom-saturated childhood. i would love to say that i'm all better and that the power of positive thinking has magically delivered me. the verbal grenade i inadvertently threw myself upon is probably the result of the psuedo-anonymity of the internet and the perception of freedom and absence of consequence online that leads people to type what they would never say to another person. the metaphorical violence was indeed senseless and i shouldn't let it harm me but the fact of the matter is, i'm still a person -- specifically, a girl person [despite allegations to the contrary] and i still can't deny the fact that i'm hurt somehow. i know my friends well enough to know that you're now probably feeling the pull to say something nice and i guess i shouldn't tell you not to but i'm afraid that though words did the damage, words alone won't be the source of my healing.
ultimately, my problem is not my hurt feelings, it's my hope or the lack thereof. and hope is the only answer hopelessness.
the gentleman on the left is my friend and bandmate and he just so happens to work for the newly infamous FAILblog. he thusly wrangled some other friends and i to participate in a relatively impromtu photoshoot for the blog's new merch.
when i first saw the picture, my initial reaction was to make a submission to FAILblog's sister site totallylookslike.com of me and my doppleganger, jabba the hutt. but i told myself i needed to quit being ridiculous because i'm my own worst critic, right? hmm. turns out i'm not.
i'm not sure what the traffic numbers on the site are exactly but it's getting to be pretty popular with the kids. i didn't really take that into consideration at the time nor did i take into consideration the fact that all of the aforementioned kids have the ability to make comments and say whatever they want about me for the world wide web to see. i hadn't even thought about it until a friend said something about the comments that had been made and against all my better judgment, i decided to check out what my critics had to say. although i was flattered by the dude who wanted to propose marriage and the douches who proposed lewd acts, i was more shocked by my detractors and believe me, there were LOTS of them. some questioned my gender, others compared my head to a potato, and others called me straight up U-G-L-Y.
i thought about shooting something back about their small weiners and/or how big boned their mama was but i knew that i was a few weeks too late and that even if i had responded promptly, it would be pointless. even the perfect retort wouldn't add anything to my life and it wouldn't subtract anything from theirs, whoever "they" are. this is probably the point at which either you or me is supposed to point out how bored, insecure, and hateful "they" are and how i shouldn't give a second thought to anything "they" have to say but the unfortunate thing is, i already have.
in fact, i've given a second third and fourth thought to their words and the effects have been shockingly devastating. i have a pretty resilient self-image that has stood up to a whole lot over the years. strangers and loved ones alike have said some pretty awful things about me, sometimes with the intention to hurt and other times with no intention at all. i'm a rational girl who has a pretty good handle on my emotions, almost too good at times so for the most part, even the harshest words have rolled off me with minimal consequence. but for all of my strength and rationality, this past week has still been marred by the impact of the words of some fools i don't even know.
i know that the nebulous "they" know nothing about me and that their words aren't truth. i am not a she-man, i'm not a potato head, and i am not ugly. nevertheless, it is concrete evidence of a lie. even the picture itself and the awkward angle captured therein is concrete evidence of a lie. my chronic singleness is, again, concrete evidence of a lie. i know i'm supposed to cling to the hope and truth, albeit a hope and truth that i can not see, but it's a lot easier said than done sometimes. so much so that the words of some cyberdouches has jacked up my week and not even the words of a friend who knows me better than any of these efftards ever could was able undo the damage. i talked to my best friend about it and she told me what i would tell anyone in my position: "who the [bleep] are they? what does it matter? you can't let this stuff effect you." and she's right, i shouldn't let it effect me but i'm not entirely regretful that it has because at the very least it's made me aware of my frailty. i do a lot of posturing, some sincere and some just frontin' but in the end, i'm not as strong as i think i am.
i'm tempted to put my signature little life-lesson at the end of this blog as i tend to do in my subconscious homage to my sitcom-saturated childhood. i would love to say that i'm all better and that the power of positive thinking has magically delivered me. the verbal grenade i inadvertently threw myself upon is probably the result of the psuedo-anonymity of the internet and the perception of freedom and absence of consequence online that leads people to type what they would never say to another person. the metaphorical violence was indeed senseless and i shouldn't let it harm me but the fact of the matter is, i'm still a person -- specifically, a girl person [despite allegations to the contrary] and i still can't deny the fact that i'm hurt somehow. i know my friends well enough to know that you're now probably feeling the pull to say something nice and i guess i shouldn't tell you not to but i'm afraid that though words did the damage, words alone won't be the source of my healing.
ultimately, my problem is not my hurt feelings, it's my hope or the lack thereof. and hope is the only answer hopelessness.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
mike & michael
december 2nd. i'm not even sure how to begin to describe the significance that this day will always have for me.
today my friend michael's birthday. although i know a lot of people and am surrounded by countless amazing friends, my list of close friends is a short one and michael is definitely on that list. we've known each other since middle school and lost touch after high school but we reconnected right around the i was getting ready to move back to seattle a year and a half ago. he is a big part of what made my move back to seattle so great in spite of all the uncertainty and uneasiness of what was a daunting transition. anyone that knows me knows that i'm capable of talking at length about nothing but when it comes to actually sharing the things that are close to my heart, there are very few that i've felt secure enough to trust so having a friend like michael is a blessing to say the least.
today is also the one-year anniversary of my cousin mike's passing. i can't believe it's already been a year -- it's still so fresh and so surreal. i was actually on my way to michael's birthday party last year when i got the call about my cousin mike. i've only recently gotten to the point where i can even share part of the story without breaking down in tears and honestly, even then i can only talk about it for a moment at a time. and though the loss i feel personally is huge, i know that a lot of my grief is tied to my heartache for his parents and his brother and sister. as much as my heart has been broken i know that theirs is broken that much more. and though it's painful to remember the hurt so acutely, i hope in some ways that i never forget the loss of him because i never want to forget him at all. it's not something i want to get over ever. his life, though tragically short, was one marked by a deep love of life and love of people so even if i can never extract my heartache from my memories of him, even if remembering will always be painful, he will always be worth remembering.
they never even met but to me the lives of mike and michael are forever inextricably linked. they're even linked by their names -- although i should note, my cousin was distinctly a mike and not a michael; like many other immigrant parents, my aunt and uncle didn't know about the American custom of informal shortened first names so the name on my cousin's birth certificate is in fact, mike.
there's a part of me that hates the dichotomy of this day because it feels like it should be either reverentially solemn for my cousin or joyous and celebratory for my friend -- one or the other and not both. but i also know that this forced juxtaposition is kind of gift as well. it's a reminder to appreciate both lives, to celebrate both lives, and [pardon the redundancy] it's simply a reminder to remember. like i said, i never want to forget my cousin mike so i'm thankful that as long as i have my friend michael, december 2nd will be a day to celebrate the life we have and a reminder not to take any life for granted.
so to mike and to michael - i love you both very much.
today my friend michael's birthday. although i know a lot of people and am surrounded by countless amazing friends, my list of close friends is a short one and michael is definitely on that list. we've known each other since middle school and lost touch after high school but we reconnected right around the i was getting ready to move back to seattle a year and a half ago. he is a big part of what made my move back to seattle so great in spite of all the uncertainty and uneasiness of what was a daunting transition. anyone that knows me knows that i'm capable of talking at length about nothing but when it comes to actually sharing the things that are close to my heart, there are very few that i've felt secure enough to trust so having a friend like michael is a blessing to say the least.
today is also the one-year anniversary of my cousin mike's passing. i can't believe it's already been a year -- it's still so fresh and so surreal. i was actually on my way to michael's birthday party last year when i got the call about my cousin mike. i've only recently gotten to the point where i can even share part of the story without breaking down in tears and honestly, even then i can only talk about it for a moment at a time. and though the loss i feel personally is huge, i know that a lot of my grief is tied to my heartache for his parents and his brother and sister. as much as my heart has been broken i know that theirs is broken that much more. and though it's painful to remember the hurt so acutely, i hope in some ways that i never forget the loss of him because i never want to forget him at all. it's not something i want to get over ever. his life, though tragically short, was one marked by a deep love of life and love of people so even if i can never extract my heartache from my memories of him, even if remembering will always be painful, he will always be worth remembering.
they never even met but to me the lives of mike and michael are forever inextricably linked. they're even linked by their names -- although i should note, my cousin was distinctly a mike and not a michael; like many other immigrant parents, my aunt and uncle didn't know about the American custom of informal shortened first names so the name on my cousin's birth certificate is in fact, mike.
there's a part of me that hates the dichotomy of this day because it feels like it should be either reverentially solemn for my cousin or joyous and celebratory for my friend -- one or the other and not both. but i also know that this forced juxtaposition is kind of gift as well. it's a reminder to appreciate both lives, to celebrate both lives, and [pardon the redundancy] it's simply a reminder to remember. like i said, i never want to forget my cousin mike so i'm thankful that as long as i have my friend michael, december 2nd will be a day to celebrate the life we have and a reminder not to take any life for granted.
so to mike and to michael - i love you both very much.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
is too healthy unhealthy?
one of the many the many bonds i share with my best friend is our emotional stability. if i may be so bold, i would say we're exceptionally rational people and though we go through occasional bouts of crazy [or as we like to call them, trips to crazytown] for the most part, we sort through our thoughts and feelings with an emphasis on the former and a skepticism of the latter. recently we've both encountered some circumstances that to the normal individual with a heart of flesh [as opposed to our titanium tickers] would warrant a trip if not a full-fledged camping out in crazytown. while it seems to be an indication of emotional health that we chose not to indulge our craziness, at the same time we both found ourselves asking the question: is this really healthy?
is it really healthy to have such rigid control of your feelings? i know that i'm by no means impervious to my emotions but anyone who knows me well knows that i'm not exactly a fragile flower. there are very few things and few people that i allow to get close enough to hurt my feelings or piss me off. while this sounds a little detached and creepy, it's kind of my way of living out the biblical warning to guard my heart, seeing as how it's the wellspring of life or whatever. on the rare occasion that such an infraction occurs, i'm usually able to reason that feeling away on the basis of human fallibility. i have yet to master the delicate art of compassion but i am very intentionally honing my skills every chance i get which usually means letting go of petty and sometimes not-so-petty hurts. this seems like a reasonably healthy thing to do [after all, "love keeps no record of wrongs"] but i sometimes wonder if my truest motivations are more passive-aggressive and less give-peace-a-chance.
[--brace yourself for bloggish vunerability--] i also have a pretty strict rule against unrequited crushes. the general principle is essentially this: if some dude doesn't have the good sense to have a crush on me, why would i bother wasting my precious emotional energy on said dunce? i'm awesome [duh]. again, i think there are good principles at the heart of my crush ideology [or crusheology, if you will] but i sometimes wonder if again, my motivations aren't as noble as i would hope. maybe i'm just scared of rejection [although who isn't?] and maybe i'm just playing it safe [although i would argue i'm not really playing much of anything at all these days -- *cricket* *cricket*]?
as with most things in my historically goody-two-shoes life, i am choosing to err on the side of caution when it comes to my emotional health. i haven't always lived on this side of the crazy fence and was for several seasons of my life a resident of crazytown [a city council member, even] so i don't take for granted this relatively new-found self-control. but perhaps the pendulum has swung over too far? is there such a thing as too healthy? do i need to be a little more i-get-so-emotional and a little less domo-arigato-mr.-roboto? is there a happy medium that i have whizzed by or am i actually there already?
this is your cue to validate my outlook on life. may i suggest any variation the following [verbatim is acceptable; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery]:
- "Why what do you mean, Jessica? You're the model of emotional health!"
- "Girrrrl, Oprah ought to give you a call! This blog entry was better than The Secret."
- "I think you're doing just fine. By the way, I have a close friend who's been dying to meet you and has offered to father your children. His name is Jason Schwartzman and he's recently accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior."
discuss.
is it really healthy to have such rigid control of your feelings? i know that i'm by no means impervious to my emotions but anyone who knows me well knows that i'm not exactly a fragile flower. there are very few things and few people that i allow to get close enough to hurt my feelings or piss me off. while this sounds a little detached and creepy, it's kind of my way of living out the biblical warning to guard my heart, seeing as how it's the wellspring of life or whatever. on the rare occasion that such an infraction occurs, i'm usually able to reason that feeling away on the basis of human fallibility. i have yet to master the delicate art of compassion but i am very intentionally honing my skills every chance i get which usually means letting go of petty and sometimes not-so-petty hurts. this seems like a reasonably healthy thing to do [after all, "love keeps no record of wrongs"] but i sometimes wonder if my truest motivations are more passive-aggressive and less give-peace-a-chance.
[--brace yourself for bloggish vunerability--] i also have a pretty strict rule against unrequited crushes. the general principle is essentially this: if some dude doesn't have the good sense to have a crush on me, why would i bother wasting my precious emotional energy on said dunce? i'm awesome [duh]. again, i think there are good principles at the heart of my crush ideology [or crusheology, if you will] but i sometimes wonder if again, my motivations aren't as noble as i would hope. maybe i'm just scared of rejection [although who isn't?] and maybe i'm just playing it safe [although i would argue i'm not really playing much of anything at all these days -- *cricket* *cricket*]?
as with most things in my historically goody-two-shoes life, i am choosing to err on the side of caution when it comes to my emotional health. i haven't always lived on this side of the crazy fence and was for several seasons of my life a resident of crazytown [a city council member, even] so i don't take for granted this relatively new-found self-control. but perhaps the pendulum has swung over too far? is there such a thing as too healthy? do i need to be a little more i-get-so-emotional and a little less domo-arigato-mr.-roboto? is there a happy medium that i have whizzed by or am i actually there already?
this is your cue to validate my outlook on life. may i suggest any variation the following [verbatim is acceptable; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery]:
- "Why what do you mean, Jessica? You're the model of emotional health!"
- "Girrrrl, Oprah ought to give you a call! This blog entry was better than The Secret."
- "I think you're doing just fine. By the way, I have a close friend who's been dying to meet you and has offered to father your children. His name is Jason Schwartzman and he's recently accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior."
discuss.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
who i'm praying for tonight, and the next few nights or years for that matter
every one who is angry.
every one who is disappointed.
everyone who is worried.
everyone who is scared.
every one with a heart that feels heavy with anxiety about the years to come.
every cynic who is waiting for the failure of our next president.
every jaded non-voter who was more plagued by disappointment than apathy.
every religious radical that has put their words in the mouth of god.
every bigot that will revel in this opportunity to hate and exploit the hidden hate of others.
every citizen whose hidden hate is bubbling up in their consciousness under the guise of rationality.
every would-be assassin that is plotting the worst.
every would-be prophet who is secretly cheering them on.
every disheartened man and woman who doesn't know how to hope for much of anything anymore.
every hopeful man and woman who will certainly have their hopes challenged by the very things that promised them hope in the first place.
this is a scattered list and i make no claims at poetic poignancy. i know my list reeks of negativity but it comes out of a heart burdened by hope. make no mistake, i am inspired by the possibility of the things to come, i am excited about who we elected as president, and yet i can't help but feel the weight [albeit preemptively] of the inevitable challenge ahead. this election has both illustrated how much our country has healed and exposed the long untreated wounds that still infect our people. though i have felt a great deal of indignant disgust for the ugliness that has been center stage during much of this election, in a weird way i'm thankful for it all the same because at the very least, it is being exposed for what it is. it has exposed the ugliness in our nation and the ugliness in myself and though both are painful to contend with, they must be addressed. my prayer and hope is that those old wounds would be treated at last. that before we start pointing out the splinters in the eyes of even the most splintery-eyed wack-jobs, we would first address the planks in our own. that we would treat every radical, every pharasical nutzo, every racist, every bigot with more love then they or we deserve. that we would not depend upon government to legislate our morality but rather be governed by a morality that is more rigid than any law. and that we would love first and foremost whether or not we got the opportunity to do anything more or less than just that.
i know what i'm saying is laced with a certain amount of cliche but i think that sometimes cliche endures simply because of the truth embedded within. so excuse me when i say that the next president is not the hope of our nation.
you are.
i am.
we are.
and most of all [and most cliche of all]
Jesus is.
on Christ the solid rock I stand - all other ground is sinking sand.
every one who is disappointed.
everyone who is worried.
everyone who is scared.
every one with a heart that feels heavy with anxiety about the years to come.
every cynic who is waiting for the failure of our next president.
every jaded non-voter who was more plagued by disappointment than apathy.
every religious radical that has put their words in the mouth of god.
every bigot that will revel in this opportunity to hate and exploit the hidden hate of others.
every citizen whose hidden hate is bubbling up in their consciousness under the guise of rationality.
every would-be assassin that is plotting the worst.
every would-be prophet who is secretly cheering them on.
every disheartened man and woman who doesn't know how to hope for much of anything anymore.
every hopeful man and woman who will certainly have their hopes challenged by the very things that promised them hope in the first place.
this is a scattered list and i make no claims at poetic poignancy. i know my list reeks of negativity but it comes out of a heart burdened by hope. make no mistake, i am inspired by the possibility of the things to come, i am excited about who we elected as president, and yet i can't help but feel the weight [albeit preemptively] of the inevitable challenge ahead. this election has both illustrated how much our country has healed and exposed the long untreated wounds that still infect our people. though i have felt a great deal of indignant disgust for the ugliness that has been center stage during much of this election, in a weird way i'm thankful for it all the same because at the very least, it is being exposed for what it is. it has exposed the ugliness in our nation and the ugliness in myself and though both are painful to contend with, they must be addressed. my prayer and hope is that those old wounds would be treated at last. that before we start pointing out the splinters in the eyes of even the most splintery-eyed wack-jobs, we would first address the planks in our own. that we would treat every radical, every pharasical nutzo, every racist, every bigot with more love then they or we deserve. that we would not depend upon government to legislate our morality but rather be governed by a morality that is more rigid than any law. and that we would love first and foremost whether or not we got the opportunity to do anything more or less than just that.
i know what i'm saying is laced with a certain amount of cliche but i think that sometimes cliche endures simply because of the truth embedded within. so excuse me when i say that the next president is not the hope of our nation.
you are.
i am.
we are.
and most of all [and most cliche of all]
Jesus is.
on Christ the solid rock I stand - all other ground is sinking sand.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
new york, new york
a week ago, i returned from an exciting albeit exhausting vacation in the fabulous city of new york. i've been told by enumerable friends and acquaintances on countless occasions that i would love new york, that they could "totally see me" in new york, so on and so forth. i attribute generalizations like these to my penchant for multi-colored wackadoodle fashions and my aversion to all things that resemble anything that could be under any circumstances dubbed "outdoorsy". my expectations were high and i'm happy to report that i wasn't disappointed.
as i mentioned earlier, this vacation was anything but relaxing. i'm fairly confident i walked the entire breadth and length of the island of manhattan at least three or four times over during my nine-day stay. although i'm usually not a fan of excessive physical exertion, there was so much to see and it's a beautiful city to explore on foot. perhaps the greatest advantage of my pedestrianism was the opportunity to indulge my celebrity-obsessed depravity and put my IMDB-like robot brain to good use. NYC is chocked full of celebutantes and i've got a keen eye for even the most obscure specimen. i only had one day sans celebrity sighting so for my fellow perezzians and people-watchers, i present to you my definitive NYC celebrity sighting list [as maintained via my handy centro memo function]. hold on to your britches, young lads and ladies, there are some good ones!
DAY ONE:
- Ben Harper - the Shake Shack in Union Square Park. He was wearing a weird vinyl plaid coat and some pretty fly sneakers.
DAY TWO:
- Wilson Cruz AKA Ricky of My So Called Life - streets of the West Villiage. I don't think I can explain how excited I was about this one. I was hoping that someone could magically cue "What is Love" so that I could witness first-hand the glorious dance moves he demonstrated at World Happiness dance. I know you probably don't know what I'm talking about and I've thus disengaged 99% of my already meager blog readership [not your fault, I know I'm an inconsistent blogger] but trust me when I say, he is AMAZING [skip to the 5 min mark for the fabulosity].
- Courtney Cox & David Arquette - the Spotted Pig in the West Villiage. As my friend and I were making our exit, much to my shock and delight, none other than Monica Geller Bing was making her grand entrance! In my excitement, I accidentally kicked her husband in the shoe on my way out but I think he was too busy looking after his wife to notice or care. I'm happy to report that she's absolutely gorgeous in person not nearly as overly-botoxed as she appears as of late.
DAY THREE:
- no sightings. :(
DAY FOUR:
- Elijah Wood - streets of Soho. When I first spotted this diminutive hottie, I thought I was just checking out one of NYC's many adorably nerdy offerings. It took just a split second to realize that the mini-hunk I was beholding was none other than Frodo himself [although he'll always be North to me].
- Jesse L. Martin of Law & Order Fame - streets of Soho. This is probably one of those sightings that only a weirdo like me would spot but between my fellow Law & Order obsessed companion and myself, we spotted this tall drink o' water instantaneously. Admittedly, it took a lil IMDBing to figure out was his name was but his face was unmistakable.
- John Mayer - streets of Soho. He was zipping across the street late that night and again, it didn't take much to recognize his face. Thankfully, he wasn't making this face at the time.
DAY FIVE:
- James Franco - in front of NYU. It's one thing to be good-looking. Anyone can do that. But to be SMART too??? Ugh. Be still my nerdy heart! James Franco is currently pursuing a master's at NYU [i know this because of my aforementioned perez addiction] and as evidenced by the backpack he was wearing the time, he was actually GOING to class! Needless to say, I was beyond impressed.
DAY SIX:
- Al Roker - streets of Soho. I thought about asking him to wish my grandma a happy 97th birthday but besides the fact that my grandma is nowhere near 97, he was on his cell phone at the time.
DAY SEVEN:
- Michael Phelps' mom and (presumably) his sisters- near Time Square. Many friends have disputed Michael Phelps' mom's celebrity status but I would argue that since the camera was constantly cutting to his mom's reactions during his ubiquitous Olympic coverage this summer, she's a celebrity by association.
DAY EIGHT:
- Seth Meyers and a very preggers Amy Poehler - West Villiage. We spotted these two SNLers enjoying Sunday brunch and being generally very sweet and adorable. While they seemed to be quite friendly co-workers, the bun-in-the-oven actually belongs to none other than Gob of Arrested Development, Amy's Blades of Glory co-star.
DAY NINE:
- Maura Tierny - Pastis. I know that most of you just asked "Who the +bleep+ is Maura Tierny?" She's most recently known for her role on the post-Clooney seasons of ER but to me, she'll always be that girl from News Radio [one of the many 90's sitcoms that I LOVED].
there were undoubtedly celebrity sightings that even my keen eye missed but i think i did pretty good for my short stay. i also want to give honorable mention to a few other sightings that may or may not have been actual sightings:
- Jorge Garcia or Hurley, to you Lost fans. I asked my companions to confirm this sighting but we all concluded that it may or may not have been a random beardy big dude with curly hair and not necessarily Hurley himself.
- Regina Spektor. I don't quite know her face well enough to confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was her but after reviewing my google image results, I'm moderately confident that it was indeed her.
- Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter Fame. This one was definitely him and um-- ALL of him but I don't know that I can count it as a sighting since I did pay to see him. I caught his Broadway performance of the scandalicious Equus. I'm happy to report that despite the controversial premise of the play and the highly-publicized nudity, it was actually a exquisitely written and beautifully acted performance. I felt a little pervy enjoying it as much as I did but whatchugondo. I'm flesh and blood, damn it.
all in all, it was a WONDERFUL trip. i look forward to future visits and although i don't anticipate leaving seattle any time soon, i'm not discounting the possibility of NYC residence some day. stay tuned, kiddos.
as i mentioned earlier, this vacation was anything but relaxing. i'm fairly confident i walked the entire breadth and length of the island of manhattan at least three or four times over during my nine-day stay. although i'm usually not a fan of excessive physical exertion, there was so much to see and it's a beautiful city to explore on foot. perhaps the greatest advantage of my pedestrianism was the opportunity to indulge my celebrity-obsessed depravity and put my IMDB-like robot brain to good use. NYC is chocked full of celebutantes and i've got a keen eye for even the most obscure specimen. i only had one day sans celebrity sighting so for my fellow perezzians and people-watchers, i present to you my definitive NYC celebrity sighting list [as maintained via my handy centro memo function]. hold on to your britches, young lads and ladies, there are some good ones!
DAY ONE:
- Ben Harper - the Shake Shack in Union Square Park. He was wearing a weird vinyl plaid coat and some pretty fly sneakers.
DAY TWO:
- Wilson Cruz AKA Ricky of My So Called Life - streets of the West Villiage. I don't think I can explain how excited I was about this one. I was hoping that someone could magically cue "What is Love" so that I could witness first-hand the glorious dance moves he demonstrated at World Happiness dance. I know you probably don't know what I'm talking about and I've thus disengaged 99% of my already meager blog readership [not your fault, I know I'm an inconsistent blogger] but trust me when I say, he is AMAZING [skip to the 5 min mark for the fabulosity].
- Courtney Cox & David Arquette - the Spotted Pig in the West Villiage. As my friend and I were making our exit, much to my shock and delight, none other than Monica Geller Bing was making her grand entrance! In my excitement, I accidentally kicked her husband in the shoe on my way out but I think he was too busy looking after his wife to notice or care. I'm happy to report that she's absolutely gorgeous in person not nearly as overly-botoxed as she appears as of late.
DAY THREE:
- no sightings. :(
DAY FOUR:
- Elijah Wood - streets of Soho. When I first spotted this diminutive hottie, I thought I was just checking out one of NYC's many adorably nerdy offerings. It took just a split second to realize that the mini-hunk I was beholding was none other than Frodo himself [although he'll always be North to me].
- Jesse L. Martin of Law & Order Fame - streets of Soho. This is probably one of those sightings that only a weirdo like me would spot but between my fellow Law & Order obsessed companion and myself, we spotted this tall drink o' water instantaneously. Admittedly, it took a lil IMDBing to figure out was his name was but his face was unmistakable.
- John Mayer - streets of Soho. He was zipping across the street late that night and again, it didn't take much to recognize his face. Thankfully, he wasn't making this face at the time.
DAY FIVE:
- James Franco - in front of NYU. It's one thing to be good-looking. Anyone can do that. But to be SMART too??? Ugh. Be still my nerdy heart! James Franco is currently pursuing a master's at NYU [i know this because of my aforementioned perez addiction] and as evidenced by the backpack he was wearing the time, he was actually GOING to class! Needless to say, I was beyond impressed.
DAY SIX:
- Al Roker - streets of Soho. I thought about asking him to wish my grandma a happy 97th birthday but besides the fact that my grandma is nowhere near 97, he was on his cell phone at the time.
DAY SEVEN:
- Michael Phelps' mom and (presumably) his sisters- near Time Square. Many friends have disputed Michael Phelps' mom's celebrity status but I would argue that since the camera was constantly cutting to his mom's reactions during his ubiquitous Olympic coverage this summer, she's a celebrity by association.
DAY EIGHT:
- Seth Meyers and a very preggers Amy Poehler - West Villiage. We spotted these two SNLers enjoying Sunday brunch and being generally very sweet and adorable. While they seemed to be quite friendly co-workers, the bun-in-the-oven actually belongs to none other than Gob of Arrested Development, Amy's Blades of Glory co-star.
DAY NINE:
- Maura Tierny - Pastis. I know that most of you just asked "Who the +bleep+ is Maura Tierny?" She's most recently known for her role on the post-Clooney seasons of ER but to me, she'll always be that girl from News Radio [one of the many 90's sitcoms that I LOVED].
there were undoubtedly celebrity sightings that even my keen eye missed but i think i did pretty good for my short stay. i also want to give honorable mention to a few other sightings that may or may not have been actual sightings:
- Jorge Garcia or Hurley, to you Lost fans. I asked my companions to confirm this sighting but we all concluded that it may or may not have been a random beardy big dude with curly hair and not necessarily Hurley himself.
- Regina Spektor. I don't quite know her face well enough to confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was her but after reviewing my google image results, I'm moderately confident that it was indeed her.
- Daniel Radcliffe of Harry Potter Fame. This one was definitely him and um-- ALL of him but I don't know that I can count it as a sighting since I did pay to see him. I caught his Broadway performance of the scandalicious Equus. I'm happy to report that despite the controversial premise of the play and the highly-publicized nudity, it was actually a exquisitely written and beautifully acted performance. I felt a little pervy enjoying it as much as I did but whatchugondo. I'm flesh and blood, damn it.
all in all, it was a WONDERFUL trip. i look forward to future visits and although i don't anticipate leaving seattle any time soon, i'm not discounting the possibility of NYC residence some day. stay tuned, kiddos.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
happy birthday?
i've contemplated writing this blog for several weeks. i'm usually fairly hesitant to discuss serious issues on the internet, much less serious issues that pertain to my personal life. in fact, that's kind of true of my life in general i think. it's not that i consider my personal life to be such privileged information, i don't really have anything to hide. i guess i just don't really feel the need to share a whole lot. i've got a handful or less of people that i share my insides with and i don't really need much more than that. nevertheless, i feel like i should keep my friends informed on the important stuff and this topic in particular has been one that i've had trouble articulating to even my closest friends.
this sunday, i'm turning a quarter-of-a-century old. birthdays have never really been a big deal to me but this one is a different situation altogether. it's my first birthday without my cousin mike. mike's birthday is the day before mine so my entire life, i've never had birthday where i don't think about him as well.
as some of you guys may know, my family suffered a huge loss this past december and i'm afraid we're all still in various states of grieving. even now, it's hard to even think about him without breaking down. i can't even get through typing this without crying which is why i'm choosing to blog rather than attempt to talk about it the way i'd like to.
it was a tough decision figuring out how to celebrate my birthday or if i even should at all. i feel so incredibly lucky to have amazing friends who want to celebrate me and who i'd love to celebrate with but i don't know how to articulate how hard it's going to be this year. i change my mind every few seconds about what to do or not do. i have so much to celebrate, between my amazing year back home in seattle, amazing friends and an incredible family. even his life -- as painfully cut short as it was -- is certainly something worth celebrating. my younger cousin jane shares his birthday and she is certainly worth celebrating. the birthdays of two of my best friends in the whole world are the day after mine and they are certainly worth celebrating. and i know as cheesy as it sounds, mike would probably want me to celebrate too. it's just still really really hard and really really fresh.
so this is not a plea for sympathy, i've been so generously showered with understanding and sympathy by my incredible friends. i guess this is just an update of sorts. it's strange because every time i talk about my birthday, i want to follow it up with a disclaimer but i know that if i were to start, i wouldn't be able to get through it without tears. i dunno. i guess i'm at a loss as to what else to do at this point. it's not that i haven't wanted to talk about it but besides the fact that i can't talk about it without crying, i've been trying to avoid "that look" from my friends. it's a look of genuine care and sympathy but a look that makes it impossible not to cry. and not that i'm avoiding my grief or trying to be distracted from it, not that that's even possible. my good moods thus far haven't been and in the future will not be disingenuous and while i don't want to preemptively predict a tear-filled birthday, the reality is, this year may just be that. and maybe it won't, i don't know. i guess the only way i know how to articulate this spot i am in is by saying more or less what i said in december: there is no right way to grieve when you're dealing with a circumstance that is so incredibly wrong. and the inverse is also true, there's no wrong way either.
i appreciate your patience and understanding in the meantime.
this sunday, i'm turning a quarter-of-a-century old. birthdays have never really been a big deal to me but this one is a different situation altogether. it's my first birthday without my cousin mike. mike's birthday is the day before mine so my entire life, i've never had birthday where i don't think about him as well.
as some of you guys may know, my family suffered a huge loss this past december and i'm afraid we're all still in various states of grieving. even now, it's hard to even think about him without breaking down. i can't even get through typing this without crying which is why i'm choosing to blog rather than attempt to talk about it the way i'd like to.
it was a tough decision figuring out how to celebrate my birthday or if i even should at all. i feel so incredibly lucky to have amazing friends who want to celebrate me and who i'd love to celebrate with but i don't know how to articulate how hard it's going to be this year. i change my mind every few seconds about what to do or not do. i have so much to celebrate, between my amazing year back home in seattle, amazing friends and an incredible family. even his life -- as painfully cut short as it was -- is certainly something worth celebrating. my younger cousin jane shares his birthday and she is certainly worth celebrating. the birthdays of two of my best friends in the whole world are the day after mine and they are certainly worth celebrating. and i know as cheesy as it sounds, mike would probably want me to celebrate too. it's just still really really hard and really really fresh.
so this is not a plea for sympathy, i've been so generously showered with understanding and sympathy by my incredible friends. i guess this is just an update of sorts. it's strange because every time i talk about my birthday, i want to follow it up with a disclaimer but i know that if i were to start, i wouldn't be able to get through it without tears. i dunno. i guess i'm at a loss as to what else to do at this point. it's not that i haven't wanted to talk about it but besides the fact that i can't talk about it without crying, i've been trying to avoid "that look" from my friends. it's a look of genuine care and sympathy but a look that makes it impossible not to cry. and not that i'm avoiding my grief or trying to be distracted from it, not that that's even possible. my good moods thus far haven't been and in the future will not be disingenuous and while i don't want to preemptively predict a tear-filled birthday, the reality is, this year may just be that. and maybe it won't, i don't know. i guess the only way i know how to articulate this spot i am in is by saying more or less what i said in december: there is no right way to grieve when you're dealing with a circumstance that is so incredibly wrong. and the inverse is also true, there's no wrong way either.
i appreciate your patience and understanding in the meantime.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
if left to my own devices
i am the quintessential night owl. if it were up to me and didn't have pesky responsibilities like school and work and blahblahbler, i'd probably go to sleep at around 7am every night and get up... well, when i felt like it. which would most likely happen sometime between 3 and 5pm. but being the disciplined young lass that i am, the past several nights i've been going to bed at the early hour of 4am instead. how do i pass the time, you ask? by doing what any disciplined young lass would do: play lots of facebook word games while watching reruns of law & order: criminal intent. duh.
i'm not sure what the appeal of the wee hours of the morning is-- er, are. umm-- is/are. perhaps it's the absence of distraction [i don't consider computer games and television to be "distractions"; i call them brain fuel thankyouverymuch]. i also find that i'm most creative late at night [you're currently reaping the benefits in blog form -- you're welcome, by the way]. allz i know is, i love sleeping, but i hate waking up and i LOVE staying up. i'm not sure how to reconsile these somewhat conflicting passions in a practical way since i can't seem to go to sleep before midnight for the life of me. if i were able to trick myself into thinking that going to bed at 7pm was fun, i could get the eleven or twelve hours of sleep my body so yearns for. but then i'd miss out on all the fun tv and what kind of life is that, hmm? no life at all, as far as i'm concerned.
but alas... my body betrays me and my eyes are currently doing that perpetual tearing thing spurned by relentless yawning. i guess i should go to sleep since i had to get up so early today -- noon. yeesh.
g'nite gars and goils.
i'm not sure what the appeal of the wee hours of the morning is-- er, are. umm-- is/are. perhaps it's the absence of distraction [i don't consider computer games and television to be "distractions"; i call them brain fuel thankyouverymuch]. i also find that i'm most creative late at night [you're currently reaping the benefits in blog form -- you're welcome, by the way]. allz i know is, i love sleeping, but i hate waking up and i LOVE staying up. i'm not sure how to reconsile these somewhat conflicting passions in a practical way since i can't seem to go to sleep before midnight for the life of me. if i were able to trick myself into thinking that going to bed at 7pm was fun, i could get the eleven or twelve hours of sleep my body so yearns for. but then i'd miss out on all the fun tv and what kind of life is that, hmm? no life at all, as far as i'm concerned.
but alas... my body betrays me and my eyes are currently doing that perpetual tearing thing spurned by relentless yawning. i guess i should go to sleep since i had to get up so early today -- noon. yeesh.
g'nite gars and goils.
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