Tuesday, December 16, 2008

she ain't got no alibi

as many of you have noticed in the last few weeks, i'm a little bit kind of almost famous [question mark].

the gentleman on the left is my friend and bandmate and he just so happens to work for the newly infamous FAILblog. he thusly wrangled some other friends and i to participate in a relatively impromtu photoshoot for the blog's new merch.

when i first saw the picture, my initial reaction was to make a submission to FAILblog's sister site totallylookslike.com of me and my doppleganger, jabba the hutt. but i told myself i needed to quit being ridiculous because i'm my own worst critic, right? hmm. turns out i'm not.

i'm not sure what the traffic numbers on the site are exactly but it's getting to be pretty popular with the kids. i didn't really take that into consideration at the time nor did i take into consideration the fact that all of the aforementioned kids have the ability to make comments and say whatever they want about me for the world wide web to see. i hadn't even thought about it until a friend said something about the comments that had been made and against all my better judgment, i decided to check out what my critics had to say. although i was flattered by the dude who wanted to propose marriage and the douches who proposed lewd acts, i was more shocked by my detractors and believe me, there were LOTS of them. some questioned my gender, others compared my head to a potato, and others called me straight up U-G-L-Y.

i thought about shooting something back about their small weiners and/or how big boned their mama was but i knew that i was a few weeks too late and that even if i had responded promptly, it would be pointless. even the perfect retort wouldn't add anything to my life and it wouldn't subtract anything from theirs, whoever "they" are. this is probably the point at which either you or me is supposed to point out how bored, insecure, and hateful "they" are and how i shouldn't give a second thought to anything "they" have to say but the unfortunate thing is, i already have.

in fact, i've given a second third and fourth thought to their words and the effects have been shockingly devastating. i have a pretty resilient self-image that has stood up to a whole lot over the years. strangers and loved ones alike have said some pretty awful things about me, sometimes with the intention to hurt and other times with no intention at all. i'm a rational girl who has a pretty good handle on my emotions, almost too good at times so for the most part, even the harshest words have rolled off me with minimal consequence. but for all of my strength and rationality, this past week has still been marred by the impact of the words of some fools i don't even know.

i know that the nebulous "they" know nothing about me and that their words aren't truth. i am not a she-man, i'm not a potato head, and i am not ugly. nevertheless, it is concrete evidence of a lie. even the picture itself and the awkward angle captured therein is concrete evidence of a lie. my chronic singleness is, again, concrete evidence of a lie. i know i'm supposed to cling to the hope and truth, albeit a hope and truth that i can not see, but it's a lot easier said than done sometimes. so much so that the words of some cyberdouches has jacked up my week and not even the words of a friend who knows me better than any of these efftards ever could was able undo the damage. i talked to my best friend about it and she told me what i would tell anyone in my position: "who the [bleep] are they? what does it matter? you can't let this stuff effect you." and she's right, i shouldn't let it effect me but i'm not entirely regretful that it has because at the very least it's made me aware of my frailty. i do a lot of posturing, some sincere and some just frontin' but in the end, i'm not as strong as i think i am.

i'm tempted to put my signature little life-lesson at the end of this blog as i tend to do in my subconscious homage to my sitcom-saturated childhood. i would love to say that i'm all better and that the power of positive thinking has magically delivered me. the verbal grenade i inadvertently threw myself upon is probably the result of the psuedo-anonymity of the internet and the perception of freedom and absence of consequence online that leads people to type what they would never say to another person. the metaphorical violence was indeed senseless and i shouldn't let it harm me but the fact of the matter is, i'm still a person -- specifically, a girl person [despite allegations to the contrary] and i still can't deny the fact that i'm hurt somehow. i know my friends well enough to know that you're now probably feeling the pull to say something nice and i guess i shouldn't tell you not to but i'm afraid that though words did the damage, words alone won't be the source of my healing.

ultimately, my problem is not my hurt feelings, it's my hope or the lack thereof. and hope is the only answer hopelessness.


laurel said...

although it might not be the most flattering picture i've ever seen of you, you definitely have boobs.

i guess i am doing what you predicted, just telling you that they are stupid/insecure/retarded... but i can understand why that wouldn't really make a difference. however, having recently gone through something similar albeit not so public, i do have this to say... whatevs [snap] they wish they were as cool as you. they's jealious.

The_LoneTomato said...

I'm going to refrain from saying nice things about your appearance, not because I don't have them to say (I do) but because you sort of asked me not to.

So I'm going to compliment you in another way.

But first some context.

Back when I was still in college I took a creative writing class. One of my teachers had this line he would use every once in a while and it was something every student wanted to hear because it was basically his highest form of praise.

The phrase was, "I'm going to steal that."

His point was that nothing in literature was really original - everything came from somewhere else - so if he found something in a student's work that he thought was good enough to be used in his own writing, he told you so.

And so, here's my sideways comment.

"efftard" is an amazing word and I'm going to steal it. Look for it in my blog one day.

Hang in there Jess.

Daniel Azuma said...

Oh my, so that was you! I remember seeing that picture and saying, hey that looks like... nah, couldn't be.

Yeah, it is not the most flattering picture/pose of either of you, but of course that's the whole point of failblog: to find the absolute worst in people and ridicule them mercilessly. Honestly, if that's the worst mockery that the nastiest net low-lifes can dredge up about you, you're doing pretty good.

kate said...

jess - you're a cool cat. keep rocking :-)


rjgintrepid said...

Jess, thanks for your honesty. As a person with a not-so-resilient self-image, it is good to be reminded that we all struggle with overcoming the lies that seem to overshadow the hope and truth of who we are. And no, the words of friends don't always do much good. But we'll still keep telling you that you are a rockstar, because we know it's true. ;-)