Saturday, May 22, 2010

to the left, to the left...

the most common question i get these days is some version of, "How are you feeling about the move?" to which my most common response is: "Terrified." and it's true. i am. terrified. i'm also incapable of producing the gold-standard blogs i usually churn out so do be patient with my lack of... um, my inability to... uhhh --- i can't write real good right now. my brain is too busy exploding. deal with it.

anywhooo --- what was i saying? oh yes. i'm terrified. in a good way, i think. i just have no rose-colored-glasses about this impending season of life. i know it will be hard work, i know that eventually it will (hopefully) be rewarding work but mostly i know that it's just going to be really really ('scuse my Portuguese) fucking hard. the job of teaching will hard enough -- compound that with the inevitable and devastating amount of homesickness and oooweee we've got a doozy. there are just things here in Seattle that are irreplaceable.

i wrote a blog for my band the other day and just writing it sent me into a total boo-hoo-a-thon. i really hate thinking about the fact that i won't have this amazingly fun thing to do twice a week and that i won't get to play these amazingly fun shows every month. i mean i hope i can find some musical outlet when i get to Philly but man oh man... my band right now really is sort of the perfect gig for me. the music is fun to play, the commitment is enough that we do good work but not so much that it's overwhelming, and seriously every single time i play with these guys -- whether it's practice or a show -- i spend most of the time either laughing at something stupid one of the dudes did or doing something stupid to make the dudes laugh. it's magical, really.

another impossible thing to replace: Deanne. ugh. i mean the past few weeks, we pretty much spend all of our free time together. sometimes just "studying" (i.e., watching TV and farting around on the internet) or going to local hip-hop shows in an effort to make up for all the lost time not going to local hip-hop shows (seriously, how did we not know about this?) or just, i don't know -- spending time together. there aren't other Deanne's in this world. i keep trying to trick her into moving to Philly with me and she's just so stubborn about it. it's getting annoying. :)

and my dad! UGH. my dad. fixer of fruitplates, personal chef and my biggest fan. my therapist keeps trying to peer pressure me into writing a g'bye letter to him but even mentioning it makes me cry (i refuse to cry right now -- I REFUSE!). i recently realized that this may be the last time i live under the same roof as my father and man... it absolutely kills me. no one in my life has ever been as unconditionally supportive of what i do and who i am. that's all i can say about that right now because there are tears forming behind my face and i REFUSE DAMNIT I REFUSE!!! (don't worry, i'll be discussing this refusal with my therapist at our next session.)

the thing is, it's not just my band and my Deanne and my dad... it's everything. everyone. everyplace. there is no other Seattle. there is no other y'all. this whole starting-a-brand-new-terrifying-career would be exponentially less terrifying if i could do it within the comforts of my city, surrounded by my friends, living with my dad. and though i know i sort of wished for this cross-country move myself just a few blocks back, that whole be-careful-what-you-wish-for thing is kicking my ass right now.