Wednesday, November 19, 2008

is too healthy unhealthy?

one of the many the many bonds i share with my best friend is our emotional stability. if i may be so bold, i would say we're exceptionally rational people and though we go through occasional bouts of crazy [or as we like to call them, trips to crazytown] for the most part, we sort through our thoughts and feelings with an emphasis on the former and a skepticism of the latter. recently we've both encountered some circumstances that to the normal individual with a heart of flesh [as opposed to our titanium tickers] would warrant a trip if not a full-fledged camping out in crazytown. while it seems to be an indication of emotional health that we chose not to indulge our craziness, at the same time we both found ourselves asking the question: is this really healthy?

is it really healthy to have such rigid control of your feelings? i know that i'm by no means impervious to my emotions but anyone who knows me well knows that i'm not exactly a fragile flower. there are very few things and few people that i allow to get close enough to hurt my feelings or piss me off. while this sounds a little detached and creepy, it's kind of my way of living out the biblical warning to guard my heart, seeing as how it's the wellspring of life or whatever. on the rare occasion that such an infraction occurs, i'm usually able to reason that feeling away on the basis of human fallibility. i have yet to master the delicate art of compassion but i am very intentionally honing my skills every chance i get which usually means letting go of petty and sometimes not-so-petty hurts. this seems like a reasonably healthy thing to do [after all, "love keeps no record of wrongs"] but i sometimes wonder if my truest motivations are more passive-aggressive and less give-peace-a-chance.

[--brace yourself for bloggish vunerability--] i also have a pretty strict rule against unrequited crushes. the general principle is essentially this: if some dude doesn't have the good sense to have a crush on me, why would i bother wasting my precious emotional energy on said dunce? i'm awesome [duh]. again, i think there are good principles at the heart of my crush ideology [or crusheology, if you will] but i sometimes wonder if again, my motivations aren't as noble as i would hope. maybe i'm just scared of rejection [although who isn't?] and maybe i'm just playing it safe [although i would argue i'm not really playing much of anything at all these days -- *cricket* *cricket*]?

as with most things in my historically goody-two-shoes life, i am choosing to err on the side of caution when it comes to my emotional health. i haven't always lived on this side of the crazy fence and was for several seasons of my life a resident of crazytown [a city council member, even] so i don't take for granted this relatively new-found self-control. but perhaps the pendulum has swung over too far? is there such a thing as too healthy? do i need to be a little more i-get-so-emotional and a little less domo-arigato-mr.-roboto? is there a happy medium that i have whizzed by or am i actually there already?

this is your cue to validate my outlook on life. may i suggest any variation the following [verbatim is acceptable; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery]:
- "Why what do you mean, Jessica? You're the model of emotional health!"
- "Girrrrl, Oprah ought to give you a call! This blog entry was better than The Secret."
- "I think you're doing just fine. By the way, I have a close friend who's been dying to meet you and has offered to father your children. His name is Jason Schwartzman and he's recently accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior."


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

who i'm praying for tonight, and the next few nights or years for that matter

every one who is angry.

every one who is disappointed.

everyone who is worried.

everyone who is scared.

every one with a heart that feels heavy with anxiety about the years to come.

every cynic who is waiting for the failure of our next president.

every jaded non-voter who was more plagued by disappointment than apathy.

every religious radical that has put their words in the mouth of god.

every bigot that will revel in this opportunity to hate and exploit the hidden hate of others.

every citizen whose hidden hate is bubbling up in their consciousness under the guise of rationality.

every would-be assassin that is plotting the worst.

every would-be prophet who is secretly cheering them on.

every disheartened man and woman who doesn't know how to hope for much of anything anymore.

every hopeful man and woman who will certainly have their hopes challenged by the very things that promised them hope in the first place.

this is a scattered list and i make no claims at poetic poignancy. i know my list reeks of negativity but it comes out of a heart burdened by hope. make no mistake, i am inspired by the possibility of the things to come, i am excited about who we elected as president, and yet i can't help but feel the weight [albeit preemptively] of the inevitable challenge ahead. this election has both illustrated how much our country has healed and exposed the long untreated wounds that still infect our people. though i have felt a great deal of indignant disgust for the ugliness that has been center stage during much of this election, in a weird way i'm thankful for it all the same because at the very least, it is being exposed for what it is. it has exposed the ugliness in our nation and the ugliness in myself and though both are painful to contend with, they must be addressed. my prayer and hope is that those old wounds would be treated at last. that before we start pointing out the splinters in the eyes of even the most splintery-eyed wack-jobs, we would first address the planks in our own. that we would treat every radical, every pharasical nutzo, every racist, every bigot with more love then they or we deserve. that we would not depend upon government to legislate our morality but rather be governed by a morality that is more rigid than any law. and that we would love first and foremost whether or not we got the opportunity to do anything more or less than just that.

i know what i'm saying is laced with a certain amount of cliche but i think that sometimes cliche endures simply because of the truth embedded within. so excuse me when i say that the next president is not the hope of our nation.

you are.
i am.
we are.
and most of all [and most cliche of all]
Jesus is.

on Christ the solid rock I stand - all other ground is sinking sand.