so in my last blog, i called miss california is a douchebag and i really feel the need to apologize. before you get too excited, know that i'm not apologizing for calling her a douchebag (because truth be told, i'm still kinda standing by that one); i'm apologizing because i didn't explain why i think she's a douchebag.
her pageant answer bothered me, sure. for one, it wasn't very intelligent. "opposite" marriage? for real? thank God for miss teen south carolina cuz she is about the ONLY one who could make you look good after that one. and for two, to be perfectly honest, it bothered me because i just didn't agree with what she had to say. but regardless of our differences of opinion, the way that she presented her different opinion was really ungraceful and quite polarizing. i mean i know she thought she was being real cute when she attached the "no offense" part to the end of her statement as if those two words are license to say whatever you want but tell me, if i told you, "hey, you are stinking pile of worthless shit -- no offense!" does that really get you to go, "yeah, that was a little harsh but since you don't mean any offense i guess that's alright." of course not! and though all those things were enough to get me riled up, it is absolutely NOTHING compared to how angry and hurt and upset i've been in the days that followed.
i am a pretty sensitive individual when it comes to issues of injustice be it for race, gender, class, sexuality or any combination therein. i am totally that girl who will speak up when you're talkin' crazy racialist, challenge your ideas about what is "girly", question the worth of a capitalist system that depends on exploitation and if you tell me something is "so gay" you BETTER be talking about something homosexual because i WILL call you out whether i know you or not. but when you implicate MY faith, MY church, MY Jesus in your language of denigration and inequality -- let me tell you -- you have taken my social justice rage to a whole new level and you haven't seen ANYTHING yet, my brothers and sisters.
to those of you who are applauding miss california's boldness, bravery, commitment to her faith, let me employ some biblical language: YOU BROOD OF VIPERS! [or how about a modern translation?] YOU EFFING DOUCHETARDS! what are you doing? no seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? the Bible is VERY clear and gives us many examples of whose side Jesus would take in this public debacle. when it came to the battles of "sinners" vs. "the righteous", Jesus ALWAYS took the side of the underdog! in fact, Jesus got called out by the religious folk, the church-going well-behaved (presumably) heterosexual popular kids for hanging out and spending time with the hookers, the swindlers, the most marginalized.
there's a passage in Luke that to me is eerily resonant with this current situation. Jesus paints this metaphor using the story of a pharisee (a religious dude) who goes to the temple and prays loudly, thanking God for not making him like the tax collector. and rather than taking the side of the man who was living right, behaving well, and subscribing to the right religion, Jesus took the side of the tax collector who i'm sure, was probably not the best dude either and probably did his fair share of sinning. if we were to put a modern day spin on this metaphor, i feel like the pharisee [or televangelist or fox news anchor] could've just as easily been shouting, "Thank you God for not making me gay!" and what would Jesus say to that douchebag? "... all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."In other words, don't get so uppity there homeboy, you will get yours and it will NOT be cute.
there's another passage in John that's pretty famous; it's where we get the idiom about now "throwing stones". here we have a woman who was behaving in a way that scripture clearly said she shouldn't; she's an adulterer and the Bible says pretty clearly that it's not cool to be a cheating hobag. so what did the religious people do? they brought her in front of Jesus, pointed to the scriptures that proved she was a sinner [probably somewhere in the old Testament next to the homosexuality stuff, only there would probably be WAY more than the small handful of verses scattered throughout the Bible that mention homosexuality but I DIGRESS] -- the religious people point to the scripture that proves them right and what does Jesus do? He tells the proud religious folk who feel real good about their grasp on scripture, the kids who feel super awesome for NOT being a sinner like the hobag they've got in tow and Jesus effectively rips them a new one! He tells the ones who AREN'T sinners to come forward and go ahead and proceed with their scriptural indictment. Jesus does NOT condemn the adulterer the way that the religious people did. Jesus does NOT sanction these religious teachers and leaders to define and enforce the sin in her life. granted, Jesus does tell the girl to "leave her sin" at the end of the passage but note that it is between Jesus and HER what that sin is! there's a lot of ambiguity here, i mean we don't even know what Jesus wrote in the sand! Jesus doesn't say "leave your sin, you know that sin of adultery that those dudes were about to murder you for" He simply offers her love, a gentle rebuke, and now that she knows she is accepted He releases her to work out what the new life apart from sin looks like. and listen, before you jump to your keyboard to outline what you KNOW that sin is, what you KNOW the sin of others looks like, let's not forget the lesson we just learned not a few sentences ago: IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, HOMEY! until you figure out a way to stop sinning entirely, you do NOT get to puff up your chest and point your finger at other people who you do not know, who you are not in relationship with and [sorry to say] you clearly do not love.
i haven't yet mentioned the other figure at the center of this whole thing is the dude who asked the question, perez hilton. i know he's far from a saint and he has said some really terrible things in these past few days that i do not excuse or defend. but to his credit, he did one thing that was actually VERY Jesus-like of him: he invited miss california to coffee -- into a conversation, into a personal relationship. what bums me out is that so far, all she's said is "no comment". another prominent LGBT group has also invited her into a conversation and though i would hope she'd accept, call me cynical but i really doubt it. honestly, this is probably the biggest problem with us Christians right now. we are not having this conversation, we are not actually entering into relationships, we are staying at our comfortable distance and pointing our fingers from afar. we're afraid of engaging in the messy and painful dialogue because what i think we're most afraid of is that we might be wrong.
a lot of people want to say that this miss california is just a victim of religious persecution and wowee, didn't she give up so much ("boohoo, i didn't get to be miss USA!") but before you get to thinking that the Christians are the most marginalized around these parts make no mistake -- Christianity is the religion of privilege in our country. every American president has claimed Christianity and why? because there is NO WAY America would let a president be anything else -- as evidenced by all the scare propaganda (and might i add, the SUCCESSFUL scare propaganda) that claimed Obama was a Muslim. there is no way that America would elect a non-Christian president because us Christians -- no matter how much of a victim you feel like and no matter how much you want to shake off the responsibility of that privilege -- us Christians aren't the marginalized ones. in fact, we are on the forefront of those perpetrating the denigration. we are the ones patting ourselves on the back for our good behavior and winding up our good pitching arms ready to chuck stones at the easiest targets. and notice here i'm not saying "you" i'm saying "we" because i know that i am just as guilty, just as slow to change, just as comfortable with what privilege i have and just as hesitant to give it up at times. but i am calling out my brothers and sisters both out of love for you and love for my gay and lesbian friends. it is time for all of us to get over our self-righteous selves and REPENT! we are doing wrong and the consequences are a matter of life and death. if we do not teach the next generation to change, if we don't teach our kids that it is not okay to behave like the pharisees and proud religious folk, if we continue to rob anyone else of their God ordained humanity we will reap a world of unimaginable heartbreak.
i know i've said some pretty heated stuff so i won't be surprised if some of y'all feel prompted to comment [that is, if you make it to the end of this ridiculous thing] but let me warn you: this is not the miss america pageant and you don't get to say whatever you want if that something alienates or marginalizes someone else. you are welcome to say whatever you want about me but if your comment in any way degrades or denies the dignity and humanity of my gay friends (who i love not in SPITE of who they are but BECAUSE of who there are) i promise you i WILL delete your insensitive, un-Jesus-like comment. be a bigot on your own blogs, kiddos -- homey don't play that here.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness
i know this is a weird time to get all uppity about this, but dang it -- i just twittered about it and now i feel the need to elaborate.
miss california is a douchebag. i know some of you thought before now that douchebag was a term to be reserved for the male gender but believe it or not, the term's etymology has its beginnings as a means to demean women and although i'm not really for demeaning women, i am for calling out douchebags who are douchebags and miss california, sorry -- you're a douchebag.
i know that my views on gay marriage are very different from most evangelical Christians. i know that my passion for what i believe to be a GROSS injustice is even different from many non-religious folk as well. and though what i believe about homosexuality and heteronormativity and heterosexism is probably much juicier and far too involved for ANY blog entry, much less this blog entry that i'm writing in lieu of doing the massive amounts of reading i should be doing for school -- i feel like the issue of gay marriage is one that i can more or less knock out pretty simply because believe it or not, it's a pretty simple issue for me.
my convictions about gay marriage changed on the first day of my intro to politcal science class. our first assignment was to read the declaration of independance and respond with a short one-page paper on your reaction to it. there was no prompting as to what that response would entail. i read over the opening paragraph, a paragraph i have practically commited to memory and not even on purpose, simply by way of its ubiquity in our educational system. they were words meant to indict an unjust colonizer but when i read them, the indictment was just as stinging although this time, the accused was America.
there is no asterix next to the "all men" part that allows anyone to deny ANY man or woman those rights on the contingency of their moral convictions nor are there any caveats that say that the pursuit of Happiness is only allowed when that pursuit doesn't make me uncomfortable.
and before anyone busts out the classic "slippery slope" argument ["if we allow gay marriage, what's next? marriage to animals?"] let's watch ourselves and remember that gay people are PEOPLE -- they are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends... they are not animals, they are not brutes, and REGARDLESS of the hegemonic representations to the contrary (and the 3 20-something gay people you kinda know), they are not simply hypersexualized mongrels (not anymore than their heterosexual counterparts, anyhow). and if you want to continue down the hugely problematic "slippery slope" path anyway and try to be "devil's advocate" (an apt idiom, actually) and try to argue, "what if someone's 'pursuit of happiness' includes child molestation? are we supposed to make that legal?" i say to you how DARE you compare the abuse of a child to a monogomous committed relationship between consenting adults. and if you want to continue down the "slippery slope" path anyway, let me just remind you that this kind logic was applied by those who advocated for the upholding of slavery, antimicengenation, and Jim Crow laws except in place of the word "homosexual" in your argument was the word "blacks" or whichever race happened to be the subject of denigration at the time. so if you'd like to align yourself with peeps like them, be my guest.
the point is, regardless of your moral convictions about homosexuality, ALL men (and women!) are created equal and have UNALIENABLE (i.e., undenyable, untake-away-able, unjack-able) rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness. even if those with religious leanings that say that homosexuality is an abomination, it still does not give you the right to deny someone equal rights! period! it boggles my mind that convicted murders can get married behind bars (ted bundy much?) and yet millions of American citizens in committed monogamous relationships can't get married simply because they're not heterosexual. and i know the big catch phrase is something about "protecting marriage" and blah blah blah but how does keeping some people from getting married protect your marriage exactly? seriously. i'd love to know. and how anyone could be so deluded as to believe that denying anyone their rights protects your own is BEYOND ME!
i hope my passion and abuse of the caps lock (oh, and that one time i called miss california a douchebag) doesn't keep anyone who might have different convictions from hearing my heart on this matter. you can feel however you feel personally convicted to feel about homosexuality (although i might argue that if you yourself aren't homosexual, you're not necessarily in the best position to have personal convictions about it BUT I DIGRESS) -- my point is that this injustice has to stop because it is dehumanizing, demoralizing, and denigrating us ALL in the process. Dr. King said it most succinctly -- injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
miss california is a douchebag. i know some of you thought before now that douchebag was a term to be reserved for the male gender but believe it or not, the term's etymology has its beginnings as a means to demean women and although i'm not really for demeaning women, i am for calling out douchebags who are douchebags and miss california, sorry -- you're a douchebag.
i know that my views on gay marriage are very different from most evangelical Christians. i know that my passion for what i believe to be a GROSS injustice is even different from many non-religious folk as well. and though what i believe about homosexuality and heteronormativity and heterosexism is probably much juicier and far too involved for ANY blog entry, much less this blog entry that i'm writing in lieu of doing the massive amounts of reading i should be doing for school -- i feel like the issue of gay marriage is one that i can more or less knock out pretty simply because believe it or not, it's a pretty simple issue for me.
my convictions about gay marriage changed on the first day of my intro to politcal science class. our first assignment was to read the declaration of independance and respond with a short one-page paper on your reaction to it. there was no prompting as to what that response would entail. i read over the opening paragraph, a paragraph i have practically commited to memory and not even on purpose, simply by way of its ubiquity in our educational system. they were words meant to indict an unjust colonizer but when i read them, the indictment was just as stinging although this time, the accused was America.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
there is no asterix next to the "all men" part that allows anyone to deny ANY man or woman those rights on the contingency of their moral convictions nor are there any caveats that say that the pursuit of Happiness is only allowed when that pursuit doesn't make me uncomfortable.
and before anyone busts out the classic "slippery slope" argument ["if we allow gay marriage, what's next? marriage to animals?"] let's watch ourselves and remember that gay people are PEOPLE -- they are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends... they are not animals, they are not brutes, and REGARDLESS of the hegemonic representations to the contrary (and the 3 20-something gay people you kinda know), they are not simply hypersexualized mongrels (not anymore than their heterosexual counterparts, anyhow). and if you want to continue down the hugely problematic "slippery slope" path anyway and try to be "devil's advocate" (an apt idiom, actually) and try to argue, "what if someone's 'pursuit of happiness' includes child molestation? are we supposed to make that legal?" i say to you how DARE you compare the abuse of a child to a monogomous committed relationship between consenting adults. and if you want to continue down the "slippery slope" path anyway, let me just remind you that this kind logic was applied by those who advocated for the upholding of slavery, antimicengenation, and Jim Crow laws except in place of the word "homosexual" in your argument was the word "blacks" or whichever race happened to be the subject of denigration at the time. so if you'd like to align yourself with peeps like them, be my guest.
the point is, regardless of your moral convictions about homosexuality, ALL men (and women!) are created equal and have UNALIENABLE (i.e., undenyable, untake-away-able, unjack-able) rights to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness. even if those with religious leanings that say that homosexuality is an abomination, it still does not give you the right to deny someone equal rights! period! it boggles my mind that convicted murders can get married behind bars (ted bundy much?) and yet millions of American citizens in committed monogamous relationships can't get married simply because they're not heterosexual. and i know the big catch phrase is something about "protecting marriage" and blah blah blah but how does keeping some people from getting married protect your marriage exactly? seriously. i'd love to know. and how anyone could be so deluded as to believe that denying anyone their rights protects your own is BEYOND ME!
i hope my passion and abuse of the caps lock (oh, and that one time i called miss california a douchebag) doesn't keep anyone who might have different convictions from hearing my heart on this matter. you can feel however you feel personally convicted to feel about homosexuality (although i might argue that if you yourself aren't homosexual, you're not necessarily in the best position to have personal convictions about it BUT I DIGRESS) -- my point is that this injustice has to stop because it is dehumanizing, demoralizing, and denigrating us ALL in the process. Dr. King said it most succinctly -- injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
much too much
i don't get stressed out very easily or very often for that matter. school doesn't stress me out because i've learned not to stress out about grades -- although i should note that i no longer resent tests and my nerdiness has ballooned to such mind boggling proportions that i've actually started to enjoy tests. i know. frightening. i've learned not to let my friends stress me out because love is patient and i can't claim to love my friends if i'm not willing to be patient; this of course is mostly theoretical and it does take a good deal of effort to put into practice -- not because my friends aren't lovable but because i have a tendency to be a heinous biznatch [on the inside, at least]. my work has always been super fun and life-giving and though busy, mostly manageable. and my family, while not free of the requisite dramz, is for the most part the source of my deepest joy and fulfillment.
but these past few weeks... oi. these past few weeks have been a rough go. i have been hit from every angle and with full force. for the first time in a long time, i've felt genuinely and overwhelmingly stressed the eff out. yesterday, my pastor asked me a pretty innocuous question ["how are you?"] and i responded by bursting into tears. yeah. intense. i'd love to report that things are going to calm down and i'm going to spend the next few days and weeks chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and all... well, i would never shoot basketball in or out of school [i'm not that coordinated] but i digress. the point is, things aren't exactly going to slow down anytime soon and to be honest, the prospect of even another hour of busyness like this makes me wanna shave off an eyebrow -- which is truly indicative of the severity of my anxiety since my grandma gave me some fantastic eyebrows and i'd have to be nutzo to wanna shave one of these babies off.
were the sneaker on the other toesy, i'd give a girl like me the advice i've doled out to countless friends and unwilling audiences alike, gems of wisdom accumulated over many, many years of Sunday school: if the weight is too much to bear, it's probably not yours to bear [Matthew 11:28]; anxiety is unproductive [Philippians 4:6]; God's strength isn't made perfect in your strength, it's perfected in your weakness [2 Corinthians 12:9]; and so on and so forth forever and ever amen. but the thing is, i'm fantastic at dispensing advice [whether it's asked for or not] but i have a hard time following advice, even when it's my own and thus i've been mostly freaking out and spontaneously crying and not so much casting my cares on Jesus, praying, and owning up to my vulnerability [save for those instances when my vulnerability manifests itself involuntarily and with copious outpourings of snot to boot].
but tonight in staff meeting the pastors graciously recommended that i take some time to do what i have to do to take care of myself and care for my soul. and since i don't find any comfort in the kinds of outlets most normal people do [i personally believe that my brain is wired in such a fashion that working out sucks up endorphins rather than releasing them] i am here doing the one thing that i know how to do, the one way that i know how to care for my soul: i'm writing about it. sure, i worry that it's a bit self-indulgent and super post-modern of me to wax poetic about the dreariness of my middle-class existence. in fact, in my preparations for my show last week, i discovered that when i write songs, i mostly write about times i'm frustrated or my feelings are hurt and as a result, about seven-eights of my songs are embarrassingly gross and emo [as are many of these blog entries] but despite my hipster shame [which, by the by, i've recently conceded to the idea that i might be a hipster since i get so offended when people call me one] where was i? oh yes... the thing is, this method seems to be working for me because in my normal day to day life [with the exception of these past couple weeks perhaps], i'm a pretty happy, amicable human being.
so pardon my emo, excuse my whining and if you can stomach my boo-hooing i commend and appreciate you. for whatever reason, this is my process and ya know what? i feel better already.
but these past few weeks... oi. these past few weeks have been a rough go. i have been hit from every angle and with full force. for the first time in a long time, i've felt genuinely and overwhelmingly stressed the eff out. yesterday, my pastor asked me a pretty innocuous question ["how are you?"] and i responded by bursting into tears. yeah. intense. i'd love to report that things are going to calm down and i'm going to spend the next few days and weeks chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool and all... well, i would never shoot basketball in or out of school [i'm not that coordinated] but i digress. the point is, things aren't exactly going to slow down anytime soon and to be honest, the prospect of even another hour of busyness like this makes me wanna shave off an eyebrow -- which is truly indicative of the severity of my anxiety since my grandma gave me some fantastic eyebrows and i'd have to be nutzo to wanna shave one of these babies off.
were the sneaker on the other toesy, i'd give a girl like me the advice i've doled out to countless friends and unwilling audiences alike, gems of wisdom accumulated over many, many years of Sunday school: if the weight is too much to bear, it's probably not yours to bear [Matthew 11:28]; anxiety is unproductive [Philippians 4:6]; God's strength isn't made perfect in your strength, it's perfected in your weakness [2 Corinthians 12:9]; and so on and so forth forever and ever amen. but the thing is, i'm fantastic at dispensing advice [whether it's asked for or not] but i have a hard time following advice, even when it's my own and thus i've been mostly freaking out and spontaneously crying and not so much casting my cares on Jesus, praying, and owning up to my vulnerability [save for those instances when my vulnerability manifests itself involuntarily and with copious outpourings of snot to boot].
but tonight in staff meeting the pastors graciously recommended that i take some time to do what i have to do to take care of myself and care for my soul. and since i don't find any comfort in the kinds of outlets most normal people do [i personally believe that my brain is wired in such a fashion that working out sucks up endorphins rather than releasing them] i am here doing the one thing that i know how to do, the one way that i know how to care for my soul: i'm writing about it. sure, i worry that it's a bit self-indulgent and super post-modern of me to wax poetic about the dreariness of my middle-class existence. in fact, in my preparations for my show last week, i discovered that when i write songs, i mostly write about times i'm frustrated or my feelings are hurt and as a result, about seven-eights of my songs are embarrassingly gross and emo [as are many of these blog entries] but despite my hipster shame [which, by the by, i've recently conceded to the idea that i might be a hipster since i get so offended when people call me one] where was i? oh yes... the thing is, this method seems to be working for me because in my normal day to day life [with the exception of these past couple weeks perhaps], i'm a pretty happy, amicable human being.
so pardon my emo, excuse my whining and if you can stomach my boo-hooing i commend and appreciate you. for whatever reason, this is my process and ya know what? i feel better already.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
why i worship
i realize that i don't write very often and then often times when i do write, i begin by saying i don't write very often. this is not to say that i don't think about writing here but i usually stop myself from hitting the 'publish post' button before i subject the world wide web to my self-indulgent rantings. in all honesty, this is more self-preservation than benevolence but whatchugon'do. it is.
when i do write, i find that i rarely write about my faith in more than a passive voice. God tends to be a sort of supporting character in my blogs and i'm very careful about the way that i talk about my religion. even in my school life, i don't tend to be all that vocal about my subscription to Christianity, not so much because i'm ashamed per se, but because i know that membership to a religion is empty without character, integrity, and (yes i'm about to say it) love. now my relative shyness about my faith would all be well and good were it not for the fact that i actually work for a church and as my pastor has pointed out on numerous occasions, second to him i'm the most visible person on any given Sunday; for those of you that don't know, for the past few months i've been the primary worship leader for our morning services. and though i don't have any trouble speaking to the congregation about the wonder and majesty of the God i believe in, i admit that for whatever reason, i still have trouble doing so here. my semi-noble justifications certainly don't excuse my hesitance but nevertheless, i feel compelled to proceed with caution for the benefit of those who don't prescribe to my worldview. i'm not sure if this is the "right" thing to do so please be patient with me as i attempt to navigate the contentious and sensitive topic of faith. i hope that regardless of what you do or don't believe, you can at least believe in my belief as i take a moment to share a significant revelation. this is not my attempt to show off my piety (or lack thereof) but to simply testify to the reality of the God i've come to know.
today, the family and friends of Craig Wong celebrated his abbreviated but incredible life on earth. exactly one week ago, his life was taken by an agressive brain cancer that took just 16 months to take its toll. many came forward and told stories about his friendship, his compassion, and his incredible faith in God. sadly, i only got to spend one afternoon with him a few months ago and though i envy those who knew him better, i know that those few hours impacted my life forever. a couple of the pastors and i visited Craig at his home to just spend time with him, pray with him, and to sing a few songs of worship with him. it was the first time in long time that Craig had a chance to sing praises with other believers and i was humbled to learn that he and his wife Betty talked later about how much it had blessed him. by this point, Craig's health had deteriorated significantly and he could only move around with the assistance of a wheelchair. we were there to minister and comfort him but within the first few minutes of being there, Craig began to minister to us. he talked about how despite it all, he was grateful for his family, his friends, and that he had never felt so close to God - this coming from a man who knew that soon his wife would be a widow and his kids would be without their daddy. needless to say, i was completely blown away by his enduring faith and though this left an indelable impression, it wasn't the most striking image of the day. i couldn't take my eyes off of little Kate, Craig's youngest daughter, who running around her daddy's wheelchair, giggling and pushing him inches forward then inches backward, and in the most heartbreaking moment of a heartbreaking day, sat at her daddy's feet - butt on one of the footrests of the wheelchair, tiny legs perched up on the other. there's no way she could've understood what was going on, none of us did really, but in the midst of palatable sobriety and indescribable confusion, all that Kate was concerned with was enjoying her time with her daddy.
this image stayed at the tip of my mind as we worshipped during Craig's memorial today. it stuck with me and will continue to remain a powerful metaphor for why it is i worship the God that i worship. i don't worship because i understand God; i don't worship because i get what He's up to or why He does what He does. i worship God because He loves me and because of His love for me, i'm learning what it means to love him back. His love for me is demonstrated in the blessing of every breath, my ennumerable friends and loved ones, and a peace that passes all understanding. i have lots of questions for God, i run into doubt constantly and i wrestle with what this whole faith thing means to me all the time - but i hope to one day have the kind of faith that Kate has and simply learn to enjoy the presence of God in the midst of it all. i want to sit at the feet of my Father like Kate did, like i know Craig is doing now, and just worship God because i know that He loves me.
when i do write, i find that i rarely write about my faith in more than a passive voice. God tends to be a sort of supporting character in my blogs and i'm very careful about the way that i talk about my religion. even in my school life, i don't tend to be all that vocal about my subscription to Christianity, not so much because i'm ashamed per se, but because i know that membership to a religion is empty without character, integrity, and (yes i'm about to say it) love. now my relative shyness about my faith would all be well and good were it not for the fact that i actually work for a church and as my pastor has pointed out on numerous occasions, second to him i'm the most visible person on any given Sunday; for those of you that don't know, for the past few months i've been the primary worship leader for our morning services. and though i don't have any trouble speaking to the congregation about the wonder and majesty of the God i believe in, i admit that for whatever reason, i still have trouble doing so here. my semi-noble justifications certainly don't excuse my hesitance but nevertheless, i feel compelled to proceed with caution for the benefit of those who don't prescribe to my worldview. i'm not sure if this is the "right" thing to do so please be patient with me as i attempt to navigate the contentious and sensitive topic of faith. i hope that regardless of what you do or don't believe, you can at least believe in my belief as i take a moment to share a significant revelation. this is not my attempt to show off my piety (or lack thereof) but to simply testify to the reality of the God i've come to know.
today, the family and friends of Craig Wong celebrated his abbreviated but incredible life on earth. exactly one week ago, his life was taken by an agressive brain cancer that took just 16 months to take its toll. many came forward and told stories about his friendship, his compassion, and his incredible faith in God. sadly, i only got to spend one afternoon with him a few months ago and though i envy those who knew him better, i know that those few hours impacted my life forever. a couple of the pastors and i visited Craig at his home to just spend time with him, pray with him, and to sing a few songs of worship with him. it was the first time in long time that Craig had a chance to sing praises with other believers and i was humbled to learn that he and his wife Betty talked later about how much it had blessed him. by this point, Craig's health had deteriorated significantly and he could only move around with the assistance of a wheelchair. we were there to minister and comfort him but within the first few minutes of being there, Craig began to minister to us. he talked about how despite it all, he was grateful for his family, his friends, and that he had never felt so close to God - this coming from a man who knew that soon his wife would be a widow and his kids would be without their daddy. needless to say, i was completely blown away by his enduring faith and though this left an indelable impression, it wasn't the most striking image of the day. i couldn't take my eyes off of little Kate, Craig's youngest daughter, who running around her daddy's wheelchair, giggling and pushing him inches forward then inches backward, and in the most heartbreaking moment of a heartbreaking day, sat at her daddy's feet - butt on one of the footrests of the wheelchair, tiny legs perched up on the other. there's no way she could've understood what was going on, none of us did really, but in the midst of palatable sobriety and indescribable confusion, all that Kate was concerned with was enjoying her time with her daddy.
this image stayed at the tip of my mind as we worshipped during Craig's memorial today. it stuck with me and will continue to remain a powerful metaphor for why it is i worship the God that i worship. i don't worship because i understand God; i don't worship because i get what He's up to or why He does what He does. i worship God because He loves me and because of His love for me, i'm learning what it means to love him back. His love for me is demonstrated in the blessing of every breath, my ennumerable friends and loved ones, and a peace that passes all understanding. i have lots of questions for God, i run into doubt constantly and i wrestle with what this whole faith thing means to me all the time - but i hope to one day have the kind of faith that Kate has and simply learn to enjoy the presence of God in the midst of it all. i want to sit at the feet of my Father like Kate did, like i know Craig is doing now, and just worship God because i know that He loves me.
Monday, March 2, 2009
internet epiphay
in an act of boredom, distraction, and in the endless pursuit of useless information, i joined twitter today. to be more accurate, i joined twitter last week but didn't start posting/following/whateveryoucallit until today. in my first few hours of activity, i was confronted by the age-old social networking conundrum: to deny or not to deny?
it happens to the best of us: there we are, minding our own internet business, when lo and behold we get a "friend request" [or in twitter's case, follower request] from a random person we don't know. we know enough of this person to postulate that perhaps they run in similar circles, or if you're me there's the very plausible possibility that you've in fact had extensive conversations with this person but due to a defective memory, have absolutely no recollection to confirm this hypothesis. in any case, the question of whether to internet reject or not lingers and this is no easy dilemma for those as deeply compassionate as myself [if you just LOLed, REPENT!]. in all seriousness, some people's egos are a little bit more fragile than others and one never knows whose internet feelings are being hurt in the wake of one thoughtless clicking of the mouse. however, there's also the desire to make the internet relationships at least minimally reflect the intimacy of real-life intimacy and the want for a certain amount of internet privacy as a result. and here's where the epiphany came: there is no such thing as internet privacy.
it's the ultimate of oxymorons! the whole premise of these internet blogs, miniblogs, and social networking platforms is that one would be able to publish thoughts, feelings, emotions with immediacy and to the world [wide web dot crazayzeeness dot com]. so the desire for internet privacy is kind of absurd, if you think about it. [no seriously, think about it! absurd.] so now, with this new epiphanic mantra in metaphorical tow, i am officially relinquishing my desire for privacy on the internet [or at least on the social networking internet, i'm not about to hand out my social security # or c.c. info. geesh.].
let me tell you, it already feels like a breath of fresh air. look forward to shamless tweets, transparent blogs, and probably a really crass slip-up or fivethousand in the not-too-distant future.
and now, back to my regularly scheduled homeworking.
++ edit: i have yet to get back to that homeworking. i'm too distracted by this blog and twitter. eesh! this was all a mistake. a big mistake. a big delightful waytoofun mistake.
it happens to the best of us: there we are, minding our own internet business, when lo and behold we get a "friend request" [or in twitter's case, follower request] from a random person we don't know. we know enough of this person to postulate that perhaps they run in similar circles, or if you're me there's the very plausible possibility that you've in fact had extensive conversations with this person but due to a defective memory, have absolutely no recollection to confirm this hypothesis. in any case, the question of whether to internet reject or not lingers and this is no easy dilemma for those as deeply compassionate as myself [if you just LOLed, REPENT!]. in all seriousness, some people's egos are a little bit more fragile than others and one never knows whose internet feelings are being hurt in the wake of one thoughtless clicking of the mouse. however, there's also the desire to make the internet relationships at least minimally reflect the intimacy of real-life intimacy and the want for a certain amount of internet privacy as a result. and here's where the epiphany came: there is no such thing as internet privacy.
it's the ultimate of oxymorons! the whole premise of these internet blogs, miniblogs, and social networking platforms is that one would be able to publish thoughts, feelings, emotions with immediacy and to the world [wide web dot crazayzeeness dot com]. so the desire for internet privacy is kind of absurd, if you think about it. [no seriously, think about it! absurd.] so now, with this new epiphanic mantra in metaphorical tow, i am officially relinquishing my desire for privacy on the internet [or at least on the social networking internet, i'm not about to hand out my social security # or c.c. info. geesh.].
let me tell you, it already feels like a breath of fresh air. look forward to shamless tweets, transparent blogs, and probably a really crass slip-up or fivethousand in the not-too-distant future.
and now, back to my regularly scheduled homeworking.
++ edit: i have yet to get back to that homeworking. i'm too distracted by this blog and twitter. eesh! this was all a mistake. a big mistake. a big delightful waytoofun mistake.
Monday, February 23, 2009
things i'd really like to blog about at length but don't have time for right now
- why i'm so mad at Miley Cyrus
- the most amazing/heartwrenching Oscar speech ever
- one of the most amazing/heartwrenching films ever
- things that i've been wrong about for most of my life
- my weird and irrational yet nonetheless overwhelming sense of constant failure
- why i love school so much
- why i love my church so much
- that one time my heart got bruised real bad and why i'm having so much trouble getting over it
- the relationship between singleness and assimilation, particularly as it relates to the burden of change
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
obigatory new year's post
i started to write a longer, warmer, squishier blog about the specifics of 2008 but it was starting to get too long [even for me -- shocking, i know]. besides, i'm still trying to find the perfect balance between healthy vulnerability and TMI when it comes to the blogosphere. i find that when it comes to my blogging, i either share too much, apologize for sharing too much, or share next to nothing. despite the fact that i've been blogging since the beginning of time [give or take], i still haven't gotten over the weirdness of the medium. i'm constantly aware of the fact that the words i'm writing are available for the whole world to read, even though only a handful of the world's population actually has the patience to get through my verbose rantings.
so in the spirit of bloggers everywhere, i submit for my faithful handful the following: jHong's random and arbitrary list of best, worst and most [insert adjective here] of 200GR8!
favorite musical discovery of 2008: jamie lidell. i discovered him at this year's sasquatch festival and ended up at his show at the insistence of a friend. by that point in the day, i had every intention of sitting down and resting my weary feet but once he got going i couldn't help but get up and shake a tailfeather! it's infectious, catchy, soulful... and his live show is incredible! i've been listening to both of his albums non-stop. i highly recommend you purchase one or both of them immediately. other notable recommendations: jonezeta - "cruel to be young", wild sweet orange - "we have cause to be uneasy", jay-z - "american gangster", kings of leon - "only by the night"
most embarassing moment of 2008: my unceremonious ringing in of 2008. truth be told, i got accidentally ham-tossed last NYE and thus only remember bits and pieces of that particular evening [apparently during the bits and pieces i don't remember i was kind of a drunken biznatch to my homies so perhaps it's for the best]. other than those first regrettable hours of 2008, i haven't had more than 2 or 3 adult bevs per sitting and haven't gotten more than a light buzz since; probably a sort of Pavlovain reaction although it might also have something to do with the fact that i kinda sorta work for a church.
strongest vice of 2008: cell-phone solitaire. i attempted to kick my addiction during my post-Lent celebration this year but to no avail. according to my game statistics, i've played a total of 5,142 games and clocked in over 14 DAYS worth of solitaire playing. kiiiinda ridiculous.
thing i'll miss most about 2008: having an excuse to write the number "8". i don't know if any of you have a favorite number to write or have ever even devoted any thought at all to a favorite digit but for whatever reason, i have. most people write their 8's by making a little figure-8 [hence the name, i suppose] but i like to make my 8's by drawing a little circle and then drawing another equal sized circle underneath. i don't know what it is about making those two mini circles that's so satisfying for me but i'm kind of sad that i won't get to write one every time i date something and i'll only get to write one on the 8th, 18th and 28th days of the month and of course, the whole month of august. i mean i guess i could write an "8" whenever i want but i won't have the built-in excuse. [side note -- i just spent the last moments of 2008 blogging about how much i enjoy writing the number "8". how does that make YOU feel? :D]
favorite blog entry i've written in 2008: why valentine's day doesn't have to suck. i know it's self-indulgent to write about a favorite blog of my own but i am in fact that shamelessly self-indulgent, i'm afraid. this blog entry in particular i meant to write in some form or another long before i got around to doing it so it was a bit cathartic to finally get it done. i also enjoyed the opportunity to exercise my paint skizills. close second: true story. i'm only mildly ashamed to say that i made myself LOL when writing this one.
favorite blog discovery of 2008: the satorialist. something about this man's ability to spot simple but incredible feats of street fashion around the world is so inspiring. my fashion taste is a bit more expensive than my budget allows at the moment but i try to make do with what i've got. but even if i never acquire the riches to buy all the designer clothes of my dreams, i hope to one day be satorialist worthy.
favorite class of 2008: my poetry class. sure, i might be a little bit biased considering my raging crush on my poetry teacher but even still, i have found the challenge to improve my writing incredibly rewarding. the poets that we read in class were also incredible and i've gained a new appreciation for modern poetry. close second: intro to cultural studies. again, i loved the reading and i appreciated the challenge of thinking critically about popular culture. i was also introduced to the genius of Foucault and one of my favorite reads of 2008, delillo's 'white noise'.
favorite meal of 2008: prix-fixe monday at tilth. for my birthday, my brother took me out to this amazing wallingford eatery and i was absolutely blown away, course after course. from the amuse-bouche [a term i only know because of top chef] to the dessert course, it was UNBELIEVABLY delicious. if the great food and wine pairings weren't fantastic enough, in true sustainable seattle fashion, every monday tilth features a different local producer. so not only is tilth awesome, it's awesomely green. :)
most overused adjective in retrospective blog of 2008: incredible.
i think that's all i got for the moment. it's well past midnight now and this blog's publication has already been delayed by a couple distractions including but not limited to a call from my bff and spanglish, which my mom and i are currently watching [quite a departure from last year's celebration, no? :D].
HAPPY NEW YEAR! here's to 2009!!!
p.s. -- remember that one time i said that my first attempt at new year's blogging was starting to be too long and then i subsequently wrote one that was just as if not longer? yeahhhh... i'm awesome.
so in the spirit of bloggers everywhere, i submit for my faithful handful the following: jHong's random and arbitrary list of best, worst and most [insert adjective here] of 200GR8!
favorite musical discovery of 2008: jamie lidell. i discovered him at this year's sasquatch festival and ended up at his show at the insistence of a friend. by that point in the day, i had every intention of sitting down and resting my weary feet but once he got going i couldn't help but get up and shake a tailfeather! it's infectious, catchy, soulful... and his live show is incredible! i've been listening to both of his albums non-stop. i highly recommend you purchase one or both of them immediately. other notable recommendations: jonezeta - "cruel to be young", wild sweet orange - "we have cause to be uneasy", jay-z - "american gangster", kings of leon - "only by the night"
most embarassing moment of 2008: my unceremonious ringing in of 2008. truth be told, i got accidentally ham-tossed last NYE and thus only remember bits and pieces of that particular evening [apparently during the bits and pieces i don't remember i was kind of a drunken biznatch to my homies so perhaps it's for the best]. other than those first regrettable hours of 2008, i haven't had more than 2 or 3 adult bevs per sitting and haven't gotten more than a light buzz since; probably a sort of Pavlovain reaction although it might also have something to do with the fact that i kinda sorta work for a church.
strongest vice of 2008: cell-phone solitaire. i attempted to kick my addiction during my post-Lent celebration this year but to no avail. according to my game statistics, i've played a total of 5,142 games and clocked in over 14 DAYS worth of solitaire playing. kiiiinda ridiculous.
thing i'll miss most about 2008: having an excuse to write the number "8". i don't know if any of you have a favorite number to write or have ever even devoted any thought at all to a favorite digit but for whatever reason, i have. most people write their 8's by making a little figure-8 [hence the name, i suppose] but i like to make my 8's by drawing a little circle and then drawing another equal sized circle underneath. i don't know what it is about making those two mini circles that's so satisfying for me but i'm kind of sad that i won't get to write one every time i date something and i'll only get to write one on the 8th, 18th and 28th days of the month and of course, the whole month of august. i mean i guess i could write an "8" whenever i want but i won't have the built-in excuse. [side note -- i just spent the last moments of 2008 blogging about how much i enjoy writing the number "8". how does that make YOU feel? :D]
favorite blog entry i've written in 2008: why valentine's day doesn't have to suck. i know it's self-indulgent to write about a favorite blog of my own but i am in fact that shamelessly self-indulgent, i'm afraid. this blog entry in particular i meant to write in some form or another long before i got around to doing it so it was a bit cathartic to finally get it done. i also enjoyed the opportunity to exercise my paint skizills. close second: true story. i'm only mildly ashamed to say that i made myself LOL when writing this one.
favorite blog discovery of 2008: the satorialist. something about this man's ability to spot simple but incredible feats of street fashion around the world is so inspiring. my fashion taste is a bit more expensive than my budget allows at the moment but i try to make do with what i've got. but even if i never acquire the riches to buy all the designer clothes of my dreams, i hope to one day be satorialist worthy.
favorite class of 2008: my poetry class. sure, i might be a little bit biased considering my raging crush on my poetry teacher but even still, i have found the challenge to improve my writing incredibly rewarding. the poets that we read in class were also incredible and i've gained a new appreciation for modern poetry. close second: intro to cultural studies. again, i loved the reading and i appreciated the challenge of thinking critically about popular culture. i was also introduced to the genius of Foucault and one of my favorite reads of 2008, delillo's 'white noise'.
favorite meal of 2008: prix-fixe monday at tilth. for my birthday, my brother took me out to this amazing wallingford eatery and i was absolutely blown away, course after course. from the amuse-bouche [a term i only know because of top chef] to the dessert course, it was UNBELIEVABLY delicious. if the great food and wine pairings weren't fantastic enough, in true sustainable seattle fashion, every monday tilth features a different local producer. so not only is tilth awesome, it's awesomely green. :)
most overused adjective in retrospective blog of 2008: incredible.
i think that's all i got for the moment. it's well past midnight now and this blog's publication has already been delayed by a couple distractions including but not limited to a call from my bff and spanglish, which my mom and i are currently watching [quite a departure from last year's celebration, no? :D].
HAPPY NEW YEAR! here's to 2009!!!
p.s. -- remember that one time i said that my first attempt at new year's blogging was starting to be too long and then i subsequently wrote one that was just as if not longer? yeahhhh... i'm awesome.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
i hate to say you told me so
so i was wrong about me. actually, i was wrong about you. i said in my last post that your words wouldn't make a difference, but strangely they did. and not to diminish the power of your words but at the risk of i'm tooting my own horn, i'm gonna go ahead and say that my own words might have made even more of a difference [toot toot!].
you would think that talking and writing about my hopelessness would make me feel more hopeless but strangely it has had the opposite effect somehow. now i'm not recommending that one should commiserate at length as some sort of psychological self-medication. usually pity-partying leads to more self-pity so i'm honestly really baffled as to how this could've even happened. my only hypothesis is that this mysterious sense of hope might be the result of a really poorly delivered joke.
i'm sure you're thinking that i couldn't POSSIBLY have been the one to deliver said bad joke but believe it or not, sometimes i'm not hilarious. i know! i know! sounds crazy! [i'm sorry about the butt injuries for those of you who just fell out of your chair] but a several times in the past few weeks i've been trying an old joke and not getting any laughs. the first time i told it, i was talking to some friends that had been inadvertently hush-hush about their relatively new status as a couple. the girl turned to me and asked, "if you were dating someone, would you just randomly announce it?" and i said, "um, of COURSE! if i were dating someone, i'd tell everyone i knew: REPENT! REPENT! THE COMING OF THE LORD IS NIGH!" and then... crickets.
now i thought this was some of my better material. so much so that i attempted to tell the joke again a couple more times but again my brilliant punchline was met with a couple uncomfortable giggles but mostly, just crickets. i thought about trying to salvage the dead silence by quoting Revelations 37:85 which i believe says something about white horseman, plagues of locusts, and Jessica tricking a boy into dating her [that's just my paraphrased version; don't quote me on that one] but then i remembered that verse in Proverbials about not kicking thine deceased horses, Amen.
i'm guessing my audience didn't find my joke funny mostly because the subtext is so sad. i acknowledge that it's quite a passive-aggressive way to whine about my singleness and i acknowledge that whining about one's singleness is generally pretty gross [especially in a blog, so my apologies kind readers]. i would expect anyone to be annoyed by such thinly veiled self-pity but i found that the victims of my bad joke -- and you kind readers of my blog -- instead seemed to be kinda sad. and not just sorry-for-me sad, but more like sad with me that i would feel so hopeless. i guess i'm proof that misery really does love company? granted, i could just be lacking in skills of perception and there could be non-commenters out there too annoyed with my self-pity to even comment but i'm gonna intentionally choose to read the silver lining embedded in the binary code; i'm trying not to sabotage this miraculous sense of hope i have. and though my hopelessness was almost exclusively wrapped up in my hang-ups about my singlaciousnesiocity, this hope isn't exactly hope that i'll magically become un-single anytime soon. i guess i'm just re-remembering where my hope should be coming from in the first place. i'll probably need to re-remember this a whole lot more in the future but for your sake and mine, i'll try not to blog about it so much and i'll try to refrain from passive-agressively joking about it. or at the very least, i'll make sure my passive-agressive jokes are effing hilarious.
you would think that talking and writing about my hopelessness would make me feel more hopeless but strangely it has had the opposite effect somehow. now i'm not recommending that one should commiserate at length as some sort of psychological self-medication. usually pity-partying leads to more self-pity so i'm honestly really baffled as to how this could've even happened. my only hypothesis is that this mysterious sense of hope might be the result of a really poorly delivered joke.
i'm sure you're thinking that i couldn't POSSIBLY have been the one to deliver said bad joke but believe it or not, sometimes i'm not hilarious. i know! i know! sounds crazy! [i'm sorry about the butt injuries for those of you who just fell out of your chair] but a several times in the past few weeks i've been trying an old joke and not getting any laughs. the first time i told it, i was talking to some friends that had been inadvertently hush-hush about their relatively new status as a couple. the girl turned to me and asked, "if you were dating someone, would you just randomly announce it?" and i said, "um, of COURSE! if i were dating someone, i'd tell everyone i knew: REPENT! REPENT! THE COMING OF THE LORD IS NIGH!" and then... crickets.
now i thought this was some of my better material. so much so that i attempted to tell the joke again a couple more times but again my brilliant punchline was met with a couple uncomfortable giggles but mostly, just crickets. i thought about trying to salvage the dead silence by quoting Revelations 37:85 which i believe says something about white horseman, plagues of locusts, and Jessica tricking a boy into dating her [that's just my paraphrased version; don't quote me on that one] but then i remembered that verse in Proverbials about not kicking thine deceased horses, Amen.
i'm guessing my audience didn't find my joke funny mostly because the subtext is so sad. i acknowledge that it's quite a passive-aggressive way to whine about my singleness and i acknowledge that whining about one's singleness is generally pretty gross [especially in a blog, so my apologies kind readers]. i would expect anyone to be annoyed by such thinly veiled self-pity but i found that the victims of my bad joke -- and you kind readers of my blog -- instead seemed to be kinda sad. and not just sorry-for-me sad, but more like sad with me that i would feel so hopeless. i guess i'm proof that misery really does love company? granted, i could just be lacking in skills of perception and there could be non-commenters out there too annoyed with my self-pity to even comment but i'm gonna intentionally choose to read the silver lining embedded in the binary code; i'm trying not to sabotage this miraculous sense of hope i have. and though my hopelessness was almost exclusively wrapped up in my hang-ups about my singlaciousnesiocity, this hope isn't exactly hope that i'll magically become un-single anytime soon. i guess i'm just re-remembering where my hope should be coming from in the first place. i'll probably need to re-remember this a whole lot more in the future but for your sake and mine, i'll try not to blog about it so much and i'll try to refrain from passive-agressively joking about it. or at the very least, i'll make sure my passive-agressive jokes are effing hilarious.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
she ain't got no alibi
as many of you have noticed in the last few weeks, i'm a little bit kind of almost famous [question mark].
the gentleman on the left is my friend and bandmate and he just so happens to work for the newly infamous FAILblog. he thusly wrangled some other friends and i to participate in a relatively impromtu photoshoot for the blog's new merch.
when i first saw the picture, my initial reaction was to make a submission to FAILblog's sister site totallylookslike.com of me and my doppleganger, jabba the hutt. but i told myself i needed to quit being ridiculous because i'm my own worst critic, right? hmm. turns out i'm not.
i'm not sure what the traffic numbers on the site are exactly but it's getting to be pretty popular with the kids. i didn't really take that into consideration at the time nor did i take into consideration the fact that all of the aforementioned kids have the ability to make comments and say whatever they want about me for the world wide web to see. i hadn't even thought about it until a friend said something about the comments that had been made and against all my better judgment, i decided to check out what my critics had to say. although i was flattered by the dude who wanted to propose marriage and the douches who proposed lewd acts, i was more shocked by my detractors and believe me, there were LOTS of them. some questioned my gender, others compared my head to a potato, and others called me straight up U-G-L-Y.
i thought about shooting something back about their small weiners and/or how big boned their mama was but i knew that i was a few weeks too late and that even if i had responded promptly, it would be pointless. even the perfect retort wouldn't add anything to my life and it wouldn't subtract anything from theirs, whoever "they" are. this is probably the point at which either you or me is supposed to point out how bored, insecure, and hateful "they" are and how i shouldn't give a second thought to anything "they" have to say but the unfortunate thing is, i already have.
in fact, i've given a second third and fourth thought to their words and the effects have been shockingly devastating. i have a pretty resilient self-image that has stood up to a whole lot over the years. strangers and loved ones alike have said some pretty awful things about me, sometimes with the intention to hurt and other times with no intention at all. i'm a rational girl who has a pretty good handle on my emotions, almost too good at times so for the most part, even the harshest words have rolled off me with minimal consequence. but for all of my strength and rationality, this past week has still been marred by the impact of the words of some fools i don't even know.
i know that the nebulous "they" know nothing about me and that their words aren't truth. i am not a she-man, i'm not a potato head, and i am not ugly. nevertheless, it is concrete evidence of a lie. even the picture itself and the awkward angle captured therein is concrete evidence of a lie. my chronic singleness is, again, concrete evidence of a lie. i know i'm supposed to cling to the hope and truth, albeit a hope and truth that i can not see, but it's a lot easier said than done sometimes. so much so that the words of some cyberdouches has jacked up my week and not even the words of a friend who knows me better than any of these efftards ever could was able undo the damage. i talked to my best friend about it and she told me what i would tell anyone in my position: "who the [bleep] are they? what does it matter? you can't let this stuff effect you." and she's right, i shouldn't let it effect me but i'm not entirely regretful that it has because at the very least it's made me aware of my frailty. i do a lot of posturing, some sincere and some just frontin' but in the end, i'm not as strong as i think i am.
i'm tempted to put my signature little life-lesson at the end of this blog as i tend to do in my subconscious homage to my sitcom-saturated childhood. i would love to say that i'm all better and that the power of positive thinking has magically delivered me. the verbal grenade i inadvertently threw myself upon is probably the result of the psuedo-anonymity of the internet and the perception of freedom and absence of consequence online that leads people to type what they would never say to another person. the metaphorical violence was indeed senseless and i shouldn't let it harm me but the fact of the matter is, i'm still a person -- specifically, a girl person [despite allegations to the contrary] and i still can't deny the fact that i'm hurt somehow. i know my friends well enough to know that you're now probably feeling the pull to say something nice and i guess i shouldn't tell you not to but i'm afraid that though words did the damage, words alone won't be the source of my healing.
ultimately, my problem is not my hurt feelings, it's my hope or the lack thereof. and hope is the only answer hopelessness.
the gentleman on the left is my friend and bandmate and he just so happens to work for the newly infamous FAILblog. he thusly wrangled some other friends and i to participate in a relatively impromtu photoshoot for the blog's new merch.
when i first saw the picture, my initial reaction was to make a submission to FAILblog's sister site totallylookslike.com of me and my doppleganger, jabba the hutt. but i told myself i needed to quit being ridiculous because i'm my own worst critic, right? hmm. turns out i'm not.
i'm not sure what the traffic numbers on the site are exactly but it's getting to be pretty popular with the kids. i didn't really take that into consideration at the time nor did i take into consideration the fact that all of the aforementioned kids have the ability to make comments and say whatever they want about me for the world wide web to see. i hadn't even thought about it until a friend said something about the comments that had been made and against all my better judgment, i decided to check out what my critics had to say. although i was flattered by the dude who wanted to propose marriage and the douches who proposed lewd acts, i was more shocked by my detractors and believe me, there were LOTS of them. some questioned my gender, others compared my head to a potato, and others called me straight up U-G-L-Y.
i thought about shooting something back about their small weiners and/or how big boned their mama was but i knew that i was a few weeks too late and that even if i had responded promptly, it would be pointless. even the perfect retort wouldn't add anything to my life and it wouldn't subtract anything from theirs, whoever "they" are. this is probably the point at which either you or me is supposed to point out how bored, insecure, and hateful "they" are and how i shouldn't give a second thought to anything "they" have to say but the unfortunate thing is, i already have.
in fact, i've given a second third and fourth thought to their words and the effects have been shockingly devastating. i have a pretty resilient self-image that has stood up to a whole lot over the years. strangers and loved ones alike have said some pretty awful things about me, sometimes with the intention to hurt and other times with no intention at all. i'm a rational girl who has a pretty good handle on my emotions, almost too good at times so for the most part, even the harshest words have rolled off me with minimal consequence. but for all of my strength and rationality, this past week has still been marred by the impact of the words of some fools i don't even know.
i know that the nebulous "they" know nothing about me and that their words aren't truth. i am not a she-man, i'm not a potato head, and i am not ugly. nevertheless, it is concrete evidence of a lie. even the picture itself and the awkward angle captured therein is concrete evidence of a lie. my chronic singleness is, again, concrete evidence of a lie. i know i'm supposed to cling to the hope and truth, albeit a hope and truth that i can not see, but it's a lot easier said than done sometimes. so much so that the words of some cyberdouches has jacked up my week and not even the words of a friend who knows me better than any of these efftards ever could was able undo the damage. i talked to my best friend about it and she told me what i would tell anyone in my position: "who the [bleep] are they? what does it matter? you can't let this stuff effect you." and she's right, i shouldn't let it effect me but i'm not entirely regretful that it has because at the very least it's made me aware of my frailty. i do a lot of posturing, some sincere and some just frontin' but in the end, i'm not as strong as i think i am.
i'm tempted to put my signature little life-lesson at the end of this blog as i tend to do in my subconscious homage to my sitcom-saturated childhood. i would love to say that i'm all better and that the power of positive thinking has magically delivered me. the verbal grenade i inadvertently threw myself upon is probably the result of the psuedo-anonymity of the internet and the perception of freedom and absence of consequence online that leads people to type what they would never say to another person. the metaphorical violence was indeed senseless and i shouldn't let it harm me but the fact of the matter is, i'm still a person -- specifically, a girl person [despite allegations to the contrary] and i still can't deny the fact that i'm hurt somehow. i know my friends well enough to know that you're now probably feeling the pull to say something nice and i guess i shouldn't tell you not to but i'm afraid that though words did the damage, words alone won't be the source of my healing.
ultimately, my problem is not my hurt feelings, it's my hope or the lack thereof. and hope is the only answer hopelessness.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
mike & michael
december 2nd. i'm not even sure how to begin to describe the significance that this day will always have for me.
today my friend michael's birthday. although i know a lot of people and am surrounded by countless amazing friends, my list of close friends is a short one and michael is definitely on that list. we've known each other since middle school and lost touch after high school but we reconnected right around the i was getting ready to move back to seattle a year and a half ago. he is a big part of what made my move back to seattle so great in spite of all the uncertainty and uneasiness of what was a daunting transition. anyone that knows me knows that i'm capable of talking at length about nothing but when it comes to actually sharing the things that are close to my heart, there are very few that i've felt secure enough to trust so having a friend like michael is a blessing to say the least.
today is also the one-year anniversary of my cousin mike's passing. i can't believe it's already been a year -- it's still so fresh and so surreal. i was actually on my way to michael's birthday party last year when i got the call about my cousin mike. i've only recently gotten to the point where i can even share part of the story without breaking down in tears and honestly, even then i can only talk about it for a moment at a time. and though the loss i feel personally is huge, i know that a lot of my grief is tied to my heartache for his parents and his brother and sister. as much as my heart has been broken i know that theirs is broken that much more. and though it's painful to remember the hurt so acutely, i hope in some ways that i never forget the loss of him because i never want to forget him at all. it's not something i want to get over ever. his life, though tragically short, was one marked by a deep love of life and love of people so even if i can never extract my heartache from my memories of him, even if remembering will always be painful, he will always be worth remembering.
they never even met but to me the lives of mike and michael are forever inextricably linked. they're even linked by their names -- although i should note, my cousin was distinctly a mike and not a michael; like many other immigrant parents, my aunt and uncle didn't know about the American custom of informal shortened first names so the name on my cousin's birth certificate is in fact, mike.
there's a part of me that hates the dichotomy of this day because it feels like it should be either reverentially solemn for my cousin or joyous and celebratory for my friend -- one or the other and not both. but i also know that this forced juxtaposition is kind of gift as well. it's a reminder to appreciate both lives, to celebrate both lives, and [pardon the redundancy] it's simply a reminder to remember. like i said, i never want to forget my cousin mike so i'm thankful that as long as i have my friend michael, december 2nd will be a day to celebrate the life we have and a reminder not to take any life for granted.
so to mike and to michael - i love you both very much.
today my friend michael's birthday. although i know a lot of people and am surrounded by countless amazing friends, my list of close friends is a short one and michael is definitely on that list. we've known each other since middle school and lost touch after high school but we reconnected right around the i was getting ready to move back to seattle a year and a half ago. he is a big part of what made my move back to seattle so great in spite of all the uncertainty and uneasiness of what was a daunting transition. anyone that knows me knows that i'm capable of talking at length about nothing but when it comes to actually sharing the things that are close to my heart, there are very few that i've felt secure enough to trust so having a friend like michael is a blessing to say the least.
today is also the one-year anniversary of my cousin mike's passing. i can't believe it's already been a year -- it's still so fresh and so surreal. i was actually on my way to michael's birthday party last year when i got the call about my cousin mike. i've only recently gotten to the point where i can even share part of the story without breaking down in tears and honestly, even then i can only talk about it for a moment at a time. and though the loss i feel personally is huge, i know that a lot of my grief is tied to my heartache for his parents and his brother and sister. as much as my heart has been broken i know that theirs is broken that much more. and though it's painful to remember the hurt so acutely, i hope in some ways that i never forget the loss of him because i never want to forget him at all. it's not something i want to get over ever. his life, though tragically short, was one marked by a deep love of life and love of people so even if i can never extract my heartache from my memories of him, even if remembering will always be painful, he will always be worth remembering.
they never even met but to me the lives of mike and michael are forever inextricably linked. they're even linked by their names -- although i should note, my cousin was distinctly a mike and not a michael; like many other immigrant parents, my aunt and uncle didn't know about the American custom of informal shortened first names so the name on my cousin's birth certificate is in fact, mike.
there's a part of me that hates the dichotomy of this day because it feels like it should be either reverentially solemn for my cousin or joyous and celebratory for my friend -- one or the other and not both. but i also know that this forced juxtaposition is kind of gift as well. it's a reminder to appreciate both lives, to celebrate both lives, and [pardon the redundancy] it's simply a reminder to remember. like i said, i never want to forget my cousin mike so i'm thankful that as long as i have my friend michael, december 2nd will be a day to celebrate the life we have and a reminder not to take any life for granted.
so to mike and to michael - i love you both very much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
