testing, testing... one, two, three.

not only have i blogged about this topic already, i'm recycling an old blog title [although in my defense, the subject matter was entirely different and in fact, it wasn't even on this blog]. nevertheless, i'm clearly at some kind of rock bottom or at least a rock middle. but i digress...

i think i may be a bit of an anomaly. [not to be confused with an amelie, although at times, i feel as though i might be one of them as well. wishful thinking maybe? whatev.]

i'm not one of those performance-driven Asian kids with the sparkling school transcripts and ridiculously high test scores. i am a contradiction to the socially constructed stereotypes years of hegemony and discrimination have established [they teach me big words in school]. although i am in fact a nerd in my heart of hearts, it's not the grades that fuel my nerdy fire. i love school because i love learning and to be honest, i rather resent tests. i feel like tests take my focus away from synthesizing concepts and applying them to the world; instead i'm forced to roboticly memorize facts and terms. i understand that i need to have a firm understanding of the aforementioned facts and terms in order to situate the things i'm learning in history and develop context for the aforementioned concepts but GAH! it all feels really freakin tedious. and as wacky as it makes me, i would much rather write a five page paper on this ish than sit for two hours trying to recall definitions, dates and the names of scholars.

so instead of studying, i'm blogging. i know that one of my post-Lent commitments was to be more studious but... well, i have no real excuse. i would blame my "nature" but the problem with synthesizing concepts and applying them to real life is that you figure out that you can't take terms like "human nature" and "common sense" for granted as they are often the products of socially constructed dominant ideology. *sigh* so i'm effed either way. go fig.

racial profiling

i know racism is wrong.
but when confronted with evidence like this:

you HAVE to admit,
Korean babies are the cutest.


we win.

singing songs

i've had the privilege and pleasure of playing music publicly twice in the last couple weeks. before that, it had been about a year and half since i had attempted to play more than one of my songs for an audience. i expounded a little bit on my previous blog about the things that have been holding me back but it's funny how the simple act of putting myself out there and doing what i've been talking about doing has already dispelled a lot of my apprehensions. am i exactly where i want to be? no. am i making exactly the kind of music i'd like to make? not yet. but i am out there and i am doing something and ya know what? it's kinda nice. i'm finding that despite all my insecurities and shortcomings, somehow what i'm doing is connecting with people and really, isn't that the whole point? yes. yes it is.

so thank you everyone for your encouragement. thank you to the people who were able to make it to the shows. thank you to everyone who has listened to me talk about my dreams and pushed me to turn that talk into action. thank you thank you thank YOU.

in other news, post lent is going very well. already i feel a lot more balanced and myself. it's funny how much self-improvement takes place when you take the focus off of yourself. go fig.


p.s. i made myself one of those superhip myspace music pages. granted, there isn't any music on it quite yet, but there will be eventually, hopefully sooner than later. so hollaback, kiddos.

not okay

i confess, i've been a TERRIBLE blogger.

turns out when you actually do your readings for class, it sucks up your fun superfluous internet time. i mean don't get me wrong, i still check all my online social networking sites a shameful number of times a day but blogs take time and thought and i don't have a whole lot of time or a whole lot of thought to spare these days.

i will expound albeit concisely [for me, anyhow] about the exciting things unfolding in my future. ladies and gentlemen, in the next two weeks i will be playing not one but TWO shows! bum-ba-da-BUMMMM!!! while i should be thrilled at this opportunity [somewhere deep down i am, i promise] i'm also terrified and i mean TERRIFIED. playing out is something that i know i've got to do and something i know i should have been doing but i don't know... it's SUPER DUPER scary. even more than a fear of failure, i have an INTENSE fear of mediocrity. i've been justifying my reluctance to play out by reasoning that i would rather play nothing than play something that's just okay. there are millions of okay songs out there by millions of okay writers sung my millions of okay singers -- i don't want to be one of them. i don't want to make boring music, i don't want to be a boring singer/songerwriter, i don't want to contribute to the dumbing down of culture in our society. not that i have these lofty aspirations of making super pretentious "high art" [whatever that means anymore] but i know that i want to do something real and something new -- a tall order in this day and age.

but i know that i've got to do SOMETHING first. even if that something isn't awesome or earth shattering... even if that something exposes me and my lack of sophistication... even if that means that someone will think i suck. i'm not gonna just land at greatness out of the simple desire to be awesome or out of a fear mediocrity. i'm gonna have to endure my own crap. i've got some growing to do.


...
[know what those are?]
baby steps.