That's why it's called a crush. If it didn't hurt, it would be called something else.*

so it turns out they’re not butterflies at all but rather dull razor blades set on motorized hinges. harmless enough when small in number, the soft swiping of metal swooshing against stomach lining is deceptively soothing at times. but in time the damn things multiply [who knew machines could multiply?] and now Wings[c]** sharpen Wings[c] and it becomes clear that these Wings[c] were fashioned for friction not flying. their cruel purpose is fully realized in their mass production and the subsequent spilling of my guts.






*: the title is a quote from 'sixteen candles', the sound advice of samantha[molly ringwald]'s father.
**: those are supposed to be lil copyright symbols but i don't know how to type them without the assistance of microsoft word.

discretion*

i'm going to try to keep from saying more
i’m sorry secrets aren’t my forte
i haven’t got the power to ignore
the things my heart keeps wanting me to say

i’m sorry secrets aren’t my forte
i’ve other strengths designed to compensate
the things my heart keeps wanting me to say
fueling constant heart and mind debate

i’ve other strengths designed to compensate
my inability to shut my mouth
fueling constant heart and mind debate
somehow shutting both and neither out

my inability to shut my mouth
my aptitude for saying what i mean
somehow shutting both and neither out
losing purpose somewhere inbetween

my aptitude for saying what i mean
i haven’t got the power to ignore
losing purpose somewhere inbetween
i’m going to try to keep from saying more



*: for the poetry novices [don't worry, i was one about three weeks ago too] this form is what you call a pantoum. i hope you enjoyed it.

thankfulness is sooo cliche

thanksgiving is the day that most bloggers, myspace bulletiners, and text messagers all across the land devote their technological musings to the issue of thankfulness. you can almost hear the collective tap-tap-tapings of keyboards and cell phone buttons as they all take a moment to thank all the peeps up in their friend lists, their homies around the way and the b**tches and h**s in errry area code, ya hearrrd? word.

now this is all well and good as i'm sure many of those partaking in this unofficial tradition are in need of motivation to express their gratefulness. but does a one-time holiday-induced expression of thankfulness really constitute ACTUAL gratefulness? especially when some of the authors are the same kids who use these technological mediums to bitch and moan about the pettiest drama? [believe me, i include myself among these perpetrators as i have been guilty of my fair share of stuuuupid bulletining]

i know it's trite to say so plainly, but we are all so very blessed. we have food to eat, roofs over our heads, amazing friends and family, not to mention computers and cell phones through which to wax poetic about all of it. i've been attempting, sometimes unsuccessfully, to exercise true gratefulness and its application to my life. it's easy to get caught up in the minor ups and downs and lose sight of the bigger picture. it's easy to get mad, sad or pissed about trivial details that only serve to put the focus on the last place it should be: me.

today and every day the prayer of my heart is that i learn how to truly love. not love that is as fleeting the blink of a cursor but love that is enduringly patient, selflessly kind, secure enough to overcome jealousy, purely motivated in a way that doesn't necessitate boasting and not flippantly modest but truly humble. and as difficult as it is to practice, i want to love in way that doesn't keep record of wrongs - even when there are legitimate wrongs to keep record of - but rather keeps record of ennumerable blessings.

even despite my many shortcomings, i hope that i have been able to show you true love in this way. i know that i am continually blown away by how much i am loved by you as it is just further proof of God's incredible love for all of us.

i love you. no for real, i love you. and i am so very thankful for you.

way with word

school has proved to be far more enriching this go-round. i'm no longer pushed by grades and their imaginary importance. instead i'm actually motivated by the opportunity to learn new things [going to school to learn? a novel concept, i know]. in this new found freedom i'm finding that despite the wide spectrum of concepts my classes seem to cover, there's lots of overlap between them and in fact, in my life [school applying to life? a novel concept, i know].

of all the poem's i've written for my poetry class, this one has resonated with me the most so far. probably because the inspiration was drawn from both school and life which i guess in some ways, are proving to be one and the same.

so lady and gentleman, i present:



way with word

you may not believing
but i have way with word
maybe i not having way with your word
but i have a way with my words
because with my words
i can bob and weave
i can sew tapestries
that tell stories
of my warrior past
no i may not having
way with your word
but my words come easy
with my words
i can articulate every thought
every feeling
i can crack my own jokes
i maybe no understanding word you say
but i can translate your tone
and though i know i speak like baby
baby don’t think me weak
just because i don’t know how to saying
what it is i mean
i may never raise my voice
in your word or my words
because i know first hand
speaking louder is not speaking clearer
i say SPEAKING LOUDER IS NOT SPEAKING CLEAER
so though i can not showing with word
though your word on my tongue
is i sorry sound dumb
all the words
are on the tip of my brain
and believe me
i having way with word
i say believe me
i have a way with words