either / or - one and the same

i don't know if anyone else perceives their own life this way, but i find that my life unfolds in themes. in my mind, i see a picture of a timeline running across the bottom of a textbook biography of myself. all the key events are marked out, there are those thumbnail-sized pictures of significant figures and places and little upside-down triangles in primary colors marking the beginnings of new seasons. i've written little bits about it in previous blogs but this season of my life has been dedicated to finding balance, particularly the balance between my heart and mind.

i’m not sure if it was immaturity or ignorance that lead to my assumption that frivolity and seriousness were mutually exclusive. i know that in the past, i’ve felt an internal pressure to be fully one or the other as if i couldn’t be authentically one if the other was present. i spent most of my childhood running around with hurt feelings and most of the past few years discrediting my feelings almost altogether. as of late, a lot of my thoughts and musings have been dedicated to the reconciliation of this perceived disparity and recent events have raised the stakes significantly.

this week i ventured back out into my social life after spending a week exclusively with my family. i'm finding that returning to "real life" is every bit as tricky as i anticipated. the thing about mourning is it makes everything - EVERYTHING feel inappropriate. laughing feels insensitive, fun feels out of order, crying seems excessive, isolation feels dramatic, company feels contrived... every thought and feeling is shaded with a little bit of doubt. for an analytical mind like mine that thrives on assurance of reason, this utter lack of reason is like torture.

and yet, being the God-fearing person that i am, i acknowledge God's grace in it all. as much as nothing is right, the converse is also true - nothing is really wrong. fun is okay, friends are amazing, and yes, family is still of the utmost importance. i don't need to shy away from things or people that enrich the quality of life just because my life has taken this drastic change. and make no mistake, i have no intentions of running away from the reality of this change. my family and Mike's many friends suffered an incredible loss in his passing and it would be a disservice to his memory to feign otherwise. but as corny as it sounds, i take great comfort in knowing that Mike would love to see me and my family enjoying life, he would be laughing at the stupid jokes i tell and i can honestly hear that distinct laugh of his even now.

there's a part of me that feels like i've rushed into this return to "real life" and another part that knows there's no point in delaying the inevitable. i'm in no hurry to heal because i know full well that this particular wound may never fully heal - but that's okay too. i don't plan on living my life depressed nor do i plan on living in a blissful state of willful ignorance. i'm hoping to find a balance between the two and the truth in them both.