vanity [un]fair

so the other day i went to the dmv to get my washington driver's license. technically, i don't have to get it renewed for awhile but i had a free saturday and i wanted to get it early so i'd have plenty of time to register to vote [woop woop!] without pushing the deadline like i usually do. i made sure to spend a lil extra time getting ready and all cute so i could take the best picture possible [ladies, you know you do it too. shoot, so do you fellas - don't even front!]. i anticipated a hefty wait so i plugged in the ol' ipod, let the juno soundtrack fill my heart with glee and finished a couple chapters of this delicious book. finally, after TWO-AND-A-HALF arduous hours of waiting, my number [#530] finally got called. i stepped up to the counter and handed the dmv dude my tennessee license and proof of address.

"hong, huh?", he said.
"yep.", i replied.
"korean?"
...
*cough*
...
"uh, yep."

-- sidenote: why did bro feel it necessary to point out that i was korean too? is it really that relevant? i mean forrealz, homie... you're renewing my license right now. c'mon. --

anywho, he leafs through my paperwork and says, "what else you got?" i'm all, "saywha?" he proceeds to pull out a brochure [a different brochure, may i note, than the one in the lobby] that ennumerates the fifteen-thousand pieces of identification needed to transfer a license. nevermind that he was able to pull up my old washington license and openly chuckled at the sight of my chubby sixteen-year-old face [i still remember the red 3/4-sleeve v-neck gap sweater i was wearing that day. it was my fave.]. needless to say, i was taken aback and notably agitated when confronted with the harsh reality that the last two-and-a-half hours of waiting was for NOTHING. add to that the fact that bro was talking to me like i was twelve ["now, what are you going to be bringing next time?" to which i wanted to respond "a blunt object with which to impale that smug grin off your big fat face."]. add to THAT the fact that this condescending lil so-and-so kept calling me "jess" like he knew me or something [i don't mind when my friends call me jess but YO, DUDE! YOU-ARE-RE-NEW-ING-MY-LI-CENSE-RIGHT-NOW! C'MON!].

it goes with out saying, but i was QUITE perturbed. i may or may not have given dude a divalicious neck roll complete with a trifecta of snaps [*snap* *snap* *snap*] from the safety of the parking lot. aaaaaaand i may or may not have called up a couple of confidantes and unleashed an expletive or fifteen [God bless my friends and they're unwavering patience with me]. if i'm gonna be really honest, it wasn't the waiting that made me so mad because i had great music and a GREAT book to read. it wasn't even the dude that made me mad because really, it wasn't his fault that i didn't have my stuff together - it was mine. what REALLY made me mad if i'm REALLY being honest, was the fact that i had taken SO much time getting cute. and dangit, i was lookin CUTE.

i'm not a high-maintenance chick. i know a lotta ladies claim that, but like forrealz-FORREALZ, i'm really not. i don't spend a whole lot of time getting ready in the morning. i MIGHT throw a dash of make-up on my face once or twice a week - tops. so when i DO take the time to get all cute, i wanna freakin milk it for all it's worth! the same frugal waste-not-want-not attitude i have towards my money, i apply to [what i like to call] my "good face" days. if i'm gonna take the time to get my face did up, i want it to be appreciated by as many people as possible goshdarnit. in other words, i'm a vain lil sand-on-da-beach.

but for all my vanity, i'm also quite rational and when i analyzed [hyper-analyzed, more like] what was at the root of my frustrations, i felt like quite the a-hole. i mean, for realz? i'm mad cuz nobody's validating my sense of cuteness? i'm mad cuz i don't have the superficial approval of strangers that i have no real desire to know and who don't have the capacity to appreciate more than my exterior? FOR REALZ? awesome, jess. really cool. the same vanity that had me all mad has me posting my blogs both here and here to maximize the exposure so that i can be validated in comment form [*ahem* blatant-comment-plug *cough* *cough*]. and yet even despite that shameless plea for attention, i can clearly see the flaws in my pursuit.

there's a fine line between self-confidence [which i got] and vanity [guilty as charged]. i found myself on the wrong side of the line last saturday; i can't say it was the first time and if i'm honest, it probably won't be the last either. as a girl, it can be quite a frustrating paradox to acknowledge the fleeting value of superficial attention and yet crave it nonetheless.

balance. i think it's my word for 2008.

wait, hold up.

it's my word for 200GR8!!


booyah.