like a koala without a pouch...

... a banana without a peel ...
... a soccer mom without a minivan ...
... a dave bazan without a beard ...


... such is how i feel without my cellphone.


i left my cellphone at home today.


i usually keep my brain stimulated during class with a rousing game of solitaire but in the absence of my beloved treo, i was forced to take a nap instead. [being a student is no walk in the park, folks -- i'm tellin ya.]


now with the rest of my day ahead of me, i should be focused on completing the schoolwork that i consistently put off. i would run home and get my celly-cell but i live deep in the suburbs and my inconsistent obsession with efficiency won't let me leave the comforts of the city to do so. not to mention the fact that once i get home, it would be really hard for me to leave again. and since there's no way i'm gonna be able to read jane austen when i've got the option of catching up on the episodes of 'flavor of love 3' and 'rock of love 2' that i missed last week, i'm just gonna cut the umbilical cord [albeit temporarily] and try to go through my day without it.


the past few times i've accidentally left my phone behind, i've imagined coming come to a slew of panicked texts and voicemails from my codependent friends who don't know how to go a day without my wise council and witty banter. much to my shock and disbelief, i'd usually come home to no missed calls, texts or pleas for my attention of any kind. and although there's still a lingering fear that someone may be cursing my name to the heavens whist shaking their fist screaming "WHYYYY??? WHYYYYYY???", i'm gonna bet that no such person exists and that the world is more or less functioning with or without my immediate availability.


it begs the question, what did any of us do B.C. [before cellphones]? how did we function? i inherited my cousin's cellphone at the tender age of 16 and i'm not sure how i survived without it. and how did i live pre-texting? i remember the days when texting was a cumbersome task - so much so that the ringtone i assigned to texts was [and still is, for sentimental reasons] the destiny's child classic "bugaboo" [this was before i had the glorious qwerty keyboard of my treo and before i had mastered the t9 function of my previous cell]. nowadays, i can speed text with almost as much dexterity as i can this very blog that i'm composing at lightning speed this very moment [if you were looking over my shoulder, all you'd see is a frenetic blur of tangerine colored nails].


i'm not really sure what the point of any of this questioning really is. i guess i'm just finding myself more and more put off by the flippant convenience of technology [not that it keeps me from utilizing it]. i think about whittling down my bank of 419 myspace "friends" and weeding out those who i am rarely [if ever] in contact with in the vain hope that it would make myspace more authentic. i don't for fear that i'd hurt someone's internet feelings, which is both absurd and completely realistic which makes me contemplate deleting my myspace account altogether. but i know myself well enough to know that i'd no sooner cancel my cellphone plan and throw my treo in the the depths of puget sound.


it's not technology that grosses me out -- it's me.


the truth hurts.
but the truth will set me free.

a blogspot exclusive

the past several blogs i've written, i've subsequently cut&pasted onto my myspace to maximize exposure. this begs the question, why a whole separate blog? why bother? that blog has a pretty specific audience and this blog has a different audience as well but since i'm not too concerned about catering to either crowd [no offence, my babies] why even separate the two?

a big piece of the equation is my vanity. i want as many people to read these things as possible. i want you to read what i write and think that i'm smart and funny. is it working? [don't answer that. seriously.]

but again, why two blogs? should one serve a purpose that the other does or can not? SHOULD i be catering to my devoted readers whom i love so dearly? all four of you??

i have no idea. it's kind of like the mystery of multiple social networks. i personally belong to three -- each with some overlap but each with varying degrees of 'privacy'. sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. i don't tend to take these online 'friendships' all to seriously and truth be told, i'm a bad online friend if we're not real-life friends for real. the whole thing kinda creeps me out and it makes me wonder if every new wave of communication technology was met with this kind of wariness. like were the first users of the telephone thinking to themselves, "gee, it's quite odd to be speaking my deepest thoughts into this plastic thing in the wall?" i certainly feel funny about attempting to type genuine thought and feeling onto a screen [nevermind that my funny feelings rarely stop me].

i don't really get any of it. i just know that it's all very confusing and scary. it's scary to think that my kids may grow up with friends they never see in person. it's scary to think that future generations will value pixels on a screen more than the tone in a voice. i still remember what my best friend's house smelled like in elementary school, will my grandkids have that? frightening.

don't get me wrong, i love technology [cue kip dynamite!]. i love the opportunity to connect with long lost friends and to maintain contact with faraway buddies. i love that there is a place for me to write and rant to my heart's desire. but i hesitate to take any of it seriously. i hesitate to assign any real value to it and my heart is constantly guarded and kept miles away. as technology is progressively intimacized and intimacy is continually technologized, i'm not sure how long i'll be able to maintain my distance. but please forgive me if i hold out as long as possible.

day-o

i'd like to think i'm somewhat of a trendsetter. i try to stay ahead of the curve, two steps ahead of the game, keep the kids on their toes... you know how we do. everybody does that whole cliché hum-drum run-of-the-mill single-shmuck-depressed-on-valentine's-day thing! i'm an innovator, dang it. so while you bozos are wasting your woes this february 14th, i'm gonna save up all my angst for april 25th -- arbor day.

on arbor day, i'm gonna bunker down with a pint or two of haagen daaz and watch 'the notebook' ["if you're a bird, i'm a bird!"]. i'm gonna bust out my copy of pride and prejudice and remember that jane austen based it her own tale of love except that she had to fabricate a happy ending because her love story didn't pan out and she died alone. i'll be putting out a big green-thumbs-DOWN while i dwell on the massive injustice of the legit girl to legit guy ratio and the ridiculous disparity therein. while all those hippies are out there planting their trees, my ass is gonna be planted on my couch pouting about all the almosts, near misses, never haves and never wills.

in the meantime, valentine's is gonna be a blast! me and annie are gonna grab dinner at my favorite korean restaurant and watch a movie that is sure to be a major contender at next year's academy awards: step up 2 - to the streets. and if you think that i'm the type of girl that would dance shamelessly in the middle a crowded movie theater, well... you're right. i am that type of girl. hollaaaaaaa!!!

so hop on the bandwagon and have a happy valentine's days, guys and dolls! this arbor day's gonna be a doozy.

hope against hope

i am currently watching what is easily the most depressing movie of all time. i have no idea why i'm even watching it. it's not even that great of a movie to be honest. the first time i watched it i felt like gouging out my eyeballs with those teeny little plastic coated baby spoons. and yet here i am, watching it again. maybe i'm a masochist.

scratch that maybe. i know exactly what i'm doing and i'm doing it very intentionally. i am challenging my hope. i've never been much of a competitor, i don't take dares [i think they're dumb] but i am incredibly stubborn and sometimes i go to great lengths to prove my point, even if i'm the only one i'm proving it to.

i am watching this movie to test my hope.

my last blog was not a particularly hopeful one. the point i made wasn't that single people should try to make valentine's day some kind of deluded sunshine&lollipops fest. my point was that valentine's day shouldn't suck any more [or less] than any other day.

and yet despite that evidence of unhope, somehow i am not a hopeless person. i have no idea why i'm not a hopeless person as i have every reason to be.

my hope is not a warm-fuzzy hope. it has nothing to do with naivety - i've heard those stories, i've lived those stories. it's certainly not a hope based on reality, or at least not physical reality. my hope has nothing to do with fairy tales, nothing to do with humanity, and it definitely has absolutely nothing to do with my own merits - real, perceived, or otherwise.

my hope isn't even as simple as faith. i know many people who have had enduring faith and yet have had their hopes dashed in very real and painful ways. i know many people with lots of faith and relatively little hope, if any at all.

i wish my hope was contagious but that doesn't always seem to be the case. probably because my particular breed of hope doesn't have the typical symptoms of hope; things like a sweet temperament, blind optimism, and the color pink - things i don't have and things i don't like. but my hope is resilient, i have no idea why. my hope is as stubborn as i am, and thank God for that. no seriously, thank God for that because as simplistic as it sounds, He's the only one that deserves any sort of credit.

i'm watching a hopeless movie to prove to myself that i still have hope. the good news is i do.

why valentines day doesn't have to suck

it's that time of the year, kiddos! all the hallmark stores are adorned in pink and red, the floral shops have beefed up their inventory, the olive garden is all-hands-on-deck and russell stovers is the happiest camper on the block. and of course, it's the time of year when us single folk are asked that dreaded question. sure, we get this query in many variations all throughout the year but right around february 14th, the question is thrown in our faces like a fistful of poo: so, are you seeing anyone?


after giving a sheepish shrug to the negatory, smug non-single person comes back with the only question more painful than the first: WHY? to add insult to injury, this follow-up is usually accompanied by some suggested responses: maybe you're being too picky? maybe guys are just intimidated? maybe you're not making yourself available?

truth is, i would LOVE to have a plausible answer. i would love to be able to say, "you know, i think it's the tail. i mean it's prehensile and everything but dudes just don't seem into it." at which point i would form my tail into the shape of a question mark right next to my head to further illustrate my confusion.


but i don't have a tail and i don't have an answer. i have no idea why my treo isn't chocked full of dates and why there isn't a line of attractive young fellas that look like this hunk lined up outside my door. my guess is there really isn't an answer, or at least there isn't one answer. there isn't a formula and none of those self-help books or Christian dating manuals have a sure-fire key to getting un-single. it's pretty much a crap shoot, folks! which is PRECISELY why valentine's day doesn't have to suck.

i'm sure one day valentine's day will be an awesome opportunity to celebrate the love i've found and blahblahbarf once i'm finally cured of my singleness [KIDDING]. in the meantime, it's just a day! it doesn't have to be any more dreadful or torturous than i make it. i'm not saying being single doesn't suck. it does suck. it can be fun at times but for the most part it's pretty crappy [ESPECIALLY when you're being bombarded with irritating questions like, why are you single?]. but why waste energy dwelling on its suckiness just because of a socially constructed holiday? there'll only be a pity party if you throw one. why not pour that energy into celebrating something more positive like the fact that you have running water, a roof over your head, no festering boils [anymore], and a computer screen in front of your face? i know it's easier said than done, but i think it's worth the effort. it's certainly a better use of energy than being a whiny woe-is-me debbie-downer and making your fellow singlefolk wanna punch you in the face.

so buck up, singles! put away that copy of 'the notebook' and take this blog like a lil nudge to the chin. if nothing else, be thankful that you have good friends and that you don't have a tail, prehensile or not.