i didn't know it

but i'm a poet.

one of the classes i'm taking is a poetry class. it's kinda weird to be required to write poetry but i suppose i can use all the exercise my creative muscles can get.

so i present to you the following:


The Best Defense

I was once told that the best way to defend yourself
when you’re about to be raped
is to defecate
and rub it all over your body
Thus rendering yourself undesirable
and your assailant flaccid
I should note, however
This advice was given to me by the type of woman
who forwards those email horror stories
The kind you’re supposed to
PASS ON TO ALL THE STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMEN YOU KNOW
Stories that have you locking your car when you pump your gas
So no sicko can sneak up in your back seat
And slash your Achilles heel when you least expect it
Stories that up pepper spray sales
And add paranoia to the preemptive fear
That that type of woman already feels
So that now when she walks to her car at night
The purse she already clutched close
Also contains a can of mace
alongside her tube of lip gloss
And now the two can click together in time
As said woman walks confidently
With keys like claws between her fingers
However
I am not said woman
I am not that type
And although the image has never left me
I’ve never been tempted to carry laxatives in my purse
Much less mace
My defenses are meant for offences far less violent
But violations none the less
So that when I feel threatened
When I fear my heart is about to be intruded upon
I’ve been known say the wrong things on purpose
Or say the right things with purpose
Or say too little but more often too much
To effectively
Cover myself in poo