Saturday, September 1, 2007

internal injuries

i am a fiercely independent individual.

while some struggle with the trappings of codependency, i find myself constantly fighting against my natural inclinations and literally forcing myself to accept the help of others. soliciting that help is an even larger hurdle that i'm still navigating all the time.

all that to say i feel like having this minor but nonetheless incapacitating injury really REALLY sucks. as if that weren't enough, i'm here for another week sans my own transportation and nashville just happens to be the kind of city where lack of a car can be equated to lacking a limb. basically, i'm really frustrated.

i'm aware that there may very well be a broken bone somewhere in the purple mass currently masquerading as my right food and should therefore take it easy. but being the independent woman that i am, the worst part of my particular injury is that it doesn't really feel that bad. it just feels like an oversized bruise and nothing more. i mean it looks pretty awful [you can scroll down for a visual reference] but it really doesn't hurt at all. i'm tempted to go against my better judgement and walk around on it anyway. i don't mind sitting on the couch all day by choice but knowing that i have to sit around all day is torture.

the temptation to walk on my foot is only reinforced by the lack of immediate consequence. the few times i have walked on it today there were no flashes of pain and in fact no pain at all. if i hadn't been given specific instructions from my personal nurse [my bff, Lydia] i'd probably be out somewhere livin' it up. okay, so maybe there's a good chance that i would've spent all day on the couch anyway... but that's besides the point.

i've been given an entire day to do nothing but catch up on the second season of 'big love', watch a bunch of romantic comedies, and THINK. the thinking was mostly about this business of internal injury. you may be able to see where i'm going with this metaphor but humor me.

isn't it funny how we can sometimes be knowingly broken inside and yet do things to worsen the injury because of the lack of immediate consequence? go with me on this one people... if you're anywhere near as hyper analytical as i am, you've thought about your issues and with minimal prompting can articulate the specifics of your baggage. and yet despite this awareness, you continue in your dysfunction because there's no immediate consequence to deter you. in fact, many times the only effects you feel are falsely rewarding leading to a cycle of positive reinforcement for dysfunctional behavior. which leads me back to my opener...

i'm a fiercely independent individual. i don't depend on many people and therefore, i'm not let down by many people. i've got more automatic self-defense mechanisms than i'm even aware of and believe me, i'm very aware of a whole lot of them. and yet this continued self-preservation has done nothing but leave me isolated and should i chose to continue down this path, i could very well end up alone. but despite it all, i keep doing the little things that keep my heart protected but leave me more injured in the end.

so for now, i'm gonna at least try to stay off my foot and let it heal a bit. as far as the metaphorical internal injury... well, i'm still working on that one.

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